Recognizing Gaslighting in the Workplace: What It Is and How to Respond

Have you ever felt confused, doubted your own reality, or even questioned your own sanity all because of something a colleague or your boss said?

You might be experiencing gaslighting. In this episode, we're going to uncover what gaslighting is and how to recognize it in the workplace, and what you can do to protect yourself.

Hey, everybody, and welcome back to my channel. I'm Doug Howard, and I'm a leadership coach and consultant. Here on this channel, we share weekly tools, tips, insights, and stories to help you level up your leadership skills and improve your workplace experience. If you find value in these videos, don't forget to hit that subscribe button and ring the bell to stay updated on our latest episodes. And if you enjoyed this video, make sure you give it a thumbs up.

In today's episode, we're going to dive into the concept of gaslighting, and we're going to explore its signs and symptoms. We're going to provide you with actionable steps you can take to protect yourself from this manipulative behavior. Now let's start by understanding what gaslighting is.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where a person seeks to make another person doubt their perceptions, their memories, or their sanity. The term originally comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she's losing her mind.

Some examples of it in the workplace are denial, a colleague denies saying something that they actually clearly said, where there's actually like factual evidence that they said it and they deny it. So for example, you remember a colleague agreeing to a project deadline in a meeting, but later on they insist that they never agreed to that deadline. This is gaslighting because it makes you question your memory of the conversation.

Another example is lying. A boss might provide false information to make you question your understanding. Your boss maybe tells you that you missed a critical email that was never actually sent. This is gaslighting because it creates self doubt and it undermines your trust in your own organizational skills.

Another example of this is misdirection. You'll see someone changing the subject or distracting you to avoid accountability. You'll see politicians do this all the time in interviews and debates, but in the workplace, an example of this could be when you're confronted about a mistake. A colleague might shift the conversation to your past mistakes and said so that they redirect attention away from their mistake. This is gaslighting because it deflects responsibility and it makes you doubt your legitimate concerns.

Understanding gaslighting is the first step to recognizing and combating it.

Common Signs of Gaslighting in the Workplace

Gaslighting can manifest in various ways that undermine your confidence and well being. Here are some common signs to watch out for.

The first sign of gaslighting is frequent confusion. You often feel confused. You often second guess your decisions. For example, you might have a meeting, and afterwards you recall agreeing on a specific strategy, but your boss insists that strategy was never discussed. Or maybe you receive conflicting instructions for a task, and when you seek clarification, you're told by your boss that you misunderstood the original instructions.

The second sign of gaslighting is questioning your own sanity. You start to doubt your own perceptions and doubt your own memories and doubt your own recollections. For example, you might remember submitting a report on time, but your manager claims it was late without providing any evidence that it was actually late. Or let's say you recall a conversation with a colleague where they promised to help you, but later on they denied ever offering their assistance to you.

The third sign of gaslighting is constant apologies. If you find yourself apologizing frequently for things that aren't your fault, that's a good sign that someone is gaslighting you. For example, if your boss blames you for a project's failure and it's not really your fault because you followed through their instructions precisely and you find yourself apologizing for that. That's gaslighting. Or if a colleague consistently shifts the blame for their mistakes onto you and you end up apologizing for it because you want to avoid conflict, that's gaslighting.

The fourth sign of gaslighting is isolation. The gaslighter may isolate you from colleagues or information. Or you might find yourself working in a silo, not by your own doing. Some examples of this could be, you getting left out of an important meeting or not being included on important email threads that are crucial to your work. Or another example would be colleagues are no longer sharing information with you. They're making it difficult for you to stay updated on team projects.

The fifth sign of gaslighting is undermining. This is where your achievements and your contributions to the team are all being minimized or dismissed. For example, let's say you complete a challenging project successfully, but your boss attributes the success to someone else and gives them credit for it. Or, they say it wasn't that challenging. It would have went well, anyone could have done it. They're downplaying your success.

Another example of this would be, you have some innovative ideas, but they're regularly getting dismissed or ignored in meetings. You speak up with an idea and everyone just talks over it. Or someone redirects the conversation so that, your idea doesn't get the attention it deserves. Maybe even in worst case scenarios, your boss talks over your idea and dismisses it, and then takes that idea for themselves and uses it later as their own idea.

Recognizing these signs is crucial to identifying gaslighting and taking steps to protect yourself.

Effects of Gaslighting On Your Health

Now I want to take a look at the effects that gaslighting can have on your mental health and your professional health.

It starts with lowered self esteem. You start to feel worthless and doubt your abilities and feel like you're not good at your job or feel like you're not capable of doing the things that it takes to do your job. This escalates into anxiety and depression. When you have low self esteem and feel like you're constantly struggling and constantly apologizing, and all this constant doubt and confusion, it's going to lead to severe anxiety and depression.

Obviously this is probably going to have an impact on your job performance. So that's going to lead to decreased job performance. All the stress and the lack of confidence is going to affect your work and the quality of your work and your overall productivity and your effectiveness in your role.

You can see as this downward spiral is building, it's going to create relationship strains. Gaslighting obviously can strain your relationships with your colleagues and your supervisors. If you're in meetings and your boss is treating you that way, they might start looking down on you or it might create awkwardness.

If you're constantly being accused of failing on a project or being the reason why something is delayed, it's going to be hard for your team to not recognize that you're being gaslit in that situation.

Recognizing all of these effects is crucial to taking action and protecting your well being.

How to Protect Yourself From Gaslighting

Now that we've identified the signs and effects of gaslighting, let's discuss how you can protect yourself. These are the proactive steps you can take to safeguard your mental health and professional integrity.

Step one is document everything. You want to make sure you keep detailed records of conversations, emails, and events with people that are gaslighting you. This works because having concrete evidence of what was said or agreed upon can help you encounter any false claims or manipulations. Documentation can protect you in disputes and clarify misunderstandings. Keeping that documentation is so important because it prevents you from relying solely on memory. In many situations, it's, he said, she said, because gaslighters aren't going to be honest or upholding. So making sure you have written records of this is so important.

Step two is seeking support. So you want to talk to trusted colleagues, friends, or even a mental health professional, if it's a really bad situation. The reason this is so important is because external perspectives are going to help validate your experiences as well as offer you advice. If you're doubting, is this happening? Am I being gaslit? Am I misremembering this? Talking this through with other people is going to be helpful for you.

I went through this. Our company was going through a restructuring and I had a new boss who was a toxic boss, honestly and I felt like I was going insane. He was giving me all these tasks that weren't realistic, that weren't possible, but then all of a sudden I start feeling like I'm a failure. Why can't I produce these things he's asking me to produce? But then when I started asking other people about it, who were noticing these things and that were in the same meetings with me, I'd ask, Hey, did you think he was being a little unreasonable to me? Or do you think that direction he gave me was clear? Talking about this with other people helped me realize, oh no, he is targeting me. He is gaslighting me. He's not asking me to do the same things he's asking other people to do. He's literally piling on top of me and targeting me and pointing the finger at me.

Getting that validation is important because it helps you restore that sanity and, helps you trust your memory and it helps you boost that self esteem and realize that you're not the problem. The other person is the problem.

The other reason that this is so important is because it has a good impact on you. When you have a support system to provide emotional relief and provide you with practical strategies for dealing with gaslighting, it helps a lot versus going through it alone. So avoid isolating yourself. You want to find people to reach out to even if it's uncomfortable.

Step three is set boundaries. You want to make sure you clearly communicate your limits and stand firm with what your limits are. Establishing boundaries prevents further manipulation and it protects your well being. It also reduces stress and creates a healthy work environment for you. So when you're communicating your boundaries, avoid being vague. You want to be as specific as you can about your boundaries. You also want to reinforce those boundaries consistently to ensure that they're being respected. A lot of times when you set boundaries or someone the first time, they're not used to being communicated to that way, especially not from you, if they've been walking all over you and gaslighting you for the last few months or years or longer.

So when you do that, it's going to take some reinforcement. So when you communicate that boundary the first time, don't expect it to change as a 180 right away. You're going to have to come back to it and remind them that you said this to them. Hey, I don't know if you remember, but I told you this back in May or two weeks ago, be specific. I said that I wasn't comfortable with you speaking to me this way. Or I told you I wasn't able to work more than 40 hours a week. Whatever that boundary is, remind them of it. You got to be a consistent drumbeat, to get that behavior change from them. So for example, politely, but firmly refused to engage in conversations that make you uncomfortable, clearly state your availability and stick to it.

Step four is stay grounded. You want to trust your instincts and your perceptions. Believing in yourself counters the manipulative effects of gaslighting. It also increases self confidence and your mental resilience.

Avoid the habit of doubting yourself. Instead, remind yourself of your strengths regularly. Do this by practicing self affirmation techniques to bolster your confidence. So an example of this would be, you could regularly remind yourself of your strengths and your accomplishments. You can also use affirmations and positive self talk to keep your mood positive.

Step five, report the behavior. If gaslighting continues, even after you've done all these previous steps, then you should consider reporting it to HR or upper level management. This is important because by bringing the issue to the attention of authorities in your company, it can initiate formal action and provide you with support. Doing this helps to address the toxic behavior and it can lead to a healthier work environment.

If you're in this situation where the gaslighting persists after you've set boundaries over and over again. From that point on, I recommend you avoid confronting the gaslighter alone. Instead, you want to continue gathering evidence and then go to HR or upper management about it and then have them arbitrate the situation. But when you do this, make sure you follow company protocols for reporting this type of behavior and make sure that you have substantial documentation before you go up the chain.

Taking these steps can help you protect yourself from gaslighting and maintain your mental health and professional integrity. Now before we wrap up, let's also take a look at how to respond to gaslighting in real time, because it's really important to know how to respond in the moment.

Responding to Gaslighting in the Moment

The first and most important technique, stay calm. You want to keep your composure and avoid reacting emotionally.

Step two, ask questions. So politely ask for clarification to put the gaslighter on the spot. For example, if someone's gaslighting you, say something like, hey, can you explain why you think that? Or, can you help me understand what you mean by that?

Step three, repeat their statements back to them. This is a technique called mirroring. What you want to do is you want to mirror their words back to them to highlight inconsistencies. For example, you could say, you're saying that you never said X, Y, and Z, even though we discussed it yesterday.

Step four, use evidence. Always refer to documented facts to support your position. For example, you could say, hey, according to this email you sent me on Monday, you mentioned that the deadline was extended. Having these simple strategies in your toolkit can help you handle gaslighting effectively and help you maintain your confidence and your sanity.

Gaslighting in the workplace is a serious issue that can undermine your confidence and well being. By understanding what gaslighting is, recognizing its signs and taking proactive steps to protect yourself, you can maintain your mental health and professional integrity.

Knowing how to set boundaries is crucial to managing stress and dealing with difficult people. For more in depth strategies on setting boundaries, check out my episode called How To Set Boundaries With Difficult People. This video will provide you with essential tools to maintain your sanity and productivity in challenging situations.

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