6 Types of Workplace Gaslighting to Be Aware Of

Have you ever felt like you were being manipulated by another coworker?

Or have you ever doubted your own reality at work?

Gaslighting can take many forms in the workplace and it's crucial for you to recognize them in order to protect yourself from it.

In this episode, I'm going to walk you through six types of workplace gaslighting that you need to be aware of and I'm also going to show you how to handle each one.

But before we get too far, I just want to welcome everyone to my channel. For those of you who are new. My name is Doug Howard, and I'm a leadership coach and consultant. Here on this channel, we share weekly insights, tools, and stories, all designed to help you level up your leadership skills and improve your workplace experience. If you find value in these videos, don't forget to hit that subscribe button and ring the bell so that you stay updated on the latest episodes. And if you enjoy this video, make sure you give it a thumbs up.

In today's episode, we're going to explore six types of workplace gaslighting. I'm going to provide examples of each type and I'm also going to offer practical advice on how you should respond and protect yourself from these manipulative tactics.

Gaslighting Type #1 - Denial

The first type of gaslighting I want to talk about is denial. Denial is when someone blatantly denies having said or done something despite you having evidence to prove them otherwise.

For example, it could be you recalling a colleague agreeing to a deadline in a meeting but later they insist that they never agreed to it or perhaps they say that never happened. Another example would be your boss denying approving your project plan, even though you have an email confirmation that proves they did this. The point I'm making here is it's black and white. It's not subjective. They said it or they agreed to it or they did it, and they're just flat out denying it.

This is gaslighting because their denial makes you doubt your memory, and it makes you doubt your perception of reality. So when this happens to you, here's how you gotta respond. There's three things you need to do. First, you gotta make sure you're keeping detailed records. So if you're dealing with someone who is regularly using the denial tactic on you, you want to make sure you're documenting all important conversations with them, as well as all important decisions with them. You want to document it in writing. I highly recommend using email to confirm verbal agreements. For example, whenever I was dealing with someone who was gaslighting this way, I would send a follow up email summarizing all the key points and agreements for my meetings with them.

So I'd say hey Jim, just to recap, we discussed A, B, and C, and you said you were going to do X, Y, and Z. That way you got a written copy of it, and there's no question to it. Or, if there was a misunderstanding during that meeting, it gives them the opportunity to clarify it, hey, you know, I didn't agree to that. It gets ahead of the curve versus waiting for it to be he said, she said later on.

The next thing you want to do is seek witnesses. This means involve a third party whenever you have an important discussion with this person. You want that third party to serve as a witness. So you could invite a colleague to join meetings where you anticipate someone denying something or if this is a person that's denied things in the past. Try to not be with that person one on one because then that's going to be again, it's going to be he said, she said. You want to try to have witnesses there, so find appropriate ways to invite other people into these meetings.

If you're a manager, one thing I would do is I would invite someone from the team that reported to me in the meeting to take notes. This way it would be a way to keep that other person honest and prevent them from lying.

The third thing you want to do is use direct communication. If this person is denying things, then you don't want to fall subject to that. Instead, you got to just be more direct and assertive with your communication. If someone is denying something that actually happened to you, you want to respond by politely but firmly addressing the denial by referencing the documented evidence you kept in step one.

So if someone is denying something to you, you could respond by simply saying something like, Hey I recall our discussion from last week and I have email confirmation here if you'd like to review it together.

Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with denial and gaslighting for more in depth strategies on setting boundaries. If you're looking for more in depth strategies on how to set boundaries with difficult people, you should check out my episode called, wait for it, How to Set Boundaries with Difficult People. This video will provide you with essential tools to maintain your sanity and productivity when you're dealing with challenging people in challenging situations.

Gaslighting Type #2 - Withholding

The second type of gaslighting is called withholding. Withholding occurs when a gaslighter refuses to engage in conversations or refuses to share information. They do things like they claim they don't understand your concerns. So on the one hand, they're refusing to talk to you about the issue but on the other hand, then they come back to you saying I don't understand what you want. I don't understand what you mean. I don't understand what you're looking for. So it's a misdirection play here. The key here is that they're deliberately avoiding discussions, and they're deliberately withholding critical information from you.

An example of this would be your manager. Let's say your manager is repeatedly avoiding discussions about your career advancement, but then at the same time, when you have a meeting with them, they claim that they don't understand your goals, or what your interests are, or where you're struggling. That's gaslighting because on the one hand, they're claiming that they don't know what they need to do to help you in your role. But on the other hand, they're avoiding discussing your concerns or avoiding discussing your career advancement or your performance reviews.

Another example of this form of gaslighting would be a colleague. Let's say a colleague refuses to share crucial project details with you. When you confront them on it, they say they don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. What project? What do you mean?

These are both forms of gaslighting because withholding information, they're doing this on purpose to create confusion, and they're doing it to make it difficult for you to perform effectively.

When you experience this type of gaslighting, there's three things you want to do. The first thing you want to do is the same thing as before. You want to document your requests. When you make formal requests for information from these people, you want to do it via email or written communication. Again, if you do it in person because it's in a meeting and it just happens on the fly, follow up with that written email confirmation. Hey, I just wanted to have a paper trail of this. In that meeting we just had, I asked you for A, B, and C that's going to be so important. It's going to save your butt when this person tries lying and manipulating you. You don't need to make it all formal. You could just have a casual email that says Hey, could you please provide the project details we discussed last week?

The second step is follow up. If your initial request is ignored, follow up with a polite reminder. You could say, Hey, I'm just checking in on the project details I requested earlier this week.

Step three is escalate if necessary. So if the person keeps withholding on you or denying or avoiding you, you want to escalate the issue to either your boss or a higher authority or even HR. When you do that, you want to just draw attention to the fact that this has been an ongoing problem by saying something like, if you're going to HR, you want to say something like, I've made several requests for this information from this person, but I haven't received a response. Could you assist me in obtaining it? I can't figure out what's going on here.

Gaslighting Type #3 - Trivializing

The third type of gaslighting is trivializing. Trivializing is when someone is downplaying your feelings or downplaying your concerns or downplaying your ideas or suggestions, all to make you feel insignificant.

Here's some examples of what trivializing looks like. Let's say you're overloaded at work and you're starting to feel burnt out and you feel like you can't keep up. You express frustration about a heavy workload to your boss, but then your boss responds with something like, Hey, everyone has to deal with it. It's no big deal. That's downplaying your concerns, right? That's trivializing.

Another example of this would be, let's say you're working on a project and you have significant concerns about the project. Maybe you think something's going to be under designed or maybe you're worried about hitting the deadline on time. If you bring up these concerns and a colleague responds by mocking your concerns about a project's direction, saying, hey, you're overreacting. It's just a small issue. That would be trivializing. This is gaslighting because trivializing makes you feel invalidated, and it makes you feel less confident in expressing your needs.

When trivializing happens to you, here's how you want to respond. First, you want to make sure you assert your feelings. This means you should clearly and confidently express why your concerns are valid. So going back to the heavy workload example where you're worried that you have too much work on your plate, you could say something to your boss like, Hey, I understand that others have heavy workloads too, but I'm feeling overwhelmed right now and I need support. Doing that is important because you're not dismissing what your boss said, but you're acknowledging it. At the same time, you're saying, here's my needs. Here's what's going on with me. So I'm not speaking for other people. I'm speaking for what I need.

The second thing you want to do is seek validation. You do this by sharing your feelings with your trusted colleagues, or your mentors, or other people who can support you. Instead of questioning the reality of the situation because your boss or whoever the other person is, instead of, you feeling like you're wondering, Hey, am I being fair here? Is this realistic? You want to talk about it with other people you can trust, of course, because that's going to validate your feelings.

For example, you could talk to a coworker or, a friend or someone like that and just say, Hey, I spoke to my boss about my workload, but they dismissed my concerns. Do you have any advice for me? Doing this is good because when you're dealing with someone who's gaslighting you, it's hard to tell, what's up from down or what's true or false, and you start to doubt your own reality. But when you talk to other people about it, it can be validating because they're going to tell you, Hey, your boss sounds out of line there. I would do this. I would consider this or they might, give you counter evidence the other way. They might say, it doesn't sound like that big of a deal. Honestly, I think your boss is just trying to do X, Y, and Z. But the good thing is by talking to someone outside of the situation, they're going to give you more objective feedback on what's really going on and sometimes it takes that to break the loop of gaslighting, because when you're being gaslit, it is really hard to navigate through that on your own.

The third thing you want to do is provide evidence. This means use data or specific examples or specific facts with details to support the validity of your concerns. So continuing with the example where your boss is giving you a heavy workload, what you want to do is bring that to your attention by using facts and evidence. So literally, bring a list into your boss and say, Hey here are the tasks I'm currently handling. As you can see, my workload is significantly increased from the type of workload I was doing six months ago or whatever the case may be. But again, you want to be specific and use facts. That's the only way to really combat gaslighting because gaslighting is all about misdirection and lies and manipulation. The only way you can combat that is by facts, details, asserting yourself, asserting what you need.

Gaslighting Type #4 - Diverting

The fourth type of gaslighting is called diverting. Diverting is when the gaslighter actually changes the subject, all to distract you from the original issue. They do this because they want to make you question the relevance of your concerns. They're also doing this because they want to avoid addressing the real issue that you're bringing up.

An example of this would be you discovering a mistake that your colleague made and then you trying to be a good coworker, you bring up that constructive feedback to your colleague. Instead of them taking it seriously, they respond by criticizing something you did that's unrelated, something you did in the past. Hey, it's no big deal because you made this mistake before. That would be redirecting to avoid dealing with the issue at hand.

Another example of diverting could be with your boss. Let's say you've been talking with your boss about getting a raise for a long time now, but your boss continues avoiding the discussion of your pay raise by always changing the topic to some other project or or maybe they're even changing the topic to your recent performance. If they're doing something to avoid the topic that you keep bringing to their attention, then they're probably gaslighting you through diverting. The reason that this is gaslighting is because diverting distracts from the issue at hand and it makes you begin to question the relevance of your concerns or whatever you're bringing to their attention.

When this happens, here's how you should respond. First, you gotta stay focused. When someone does this to you, it's easy to get distracted, and it's easy to get emotionally overwhelmed and frustrated, and to want to lash out with frustration. What you gotta do is you gotta stay focused on the eye and the prize, and just politely steer the conversation back to the original topic. So if someone is, throwing out random landmines for you to dodge by, redirecting you just say, Hey, I understand your point, but can we please focus on the issue I raised earlier? That's what the main topic is here. Just concisely, clearly get them back to the main topic at hand. Don't let them steer you off.

The second thing you want to do is you want to use specific questions. You want to use those specific questions and ask them directly to bring your focus back to your concern. So going back to the example where you're asking your boss for a raise, you just directly say, hey, can we discuss my request for a pay raise in detail right now?

You're going to hear me say this a lot throughout this video, but again, directly communicating and asserting what you need and explaining your challenges and sticking to the facts. That is the best thing you can do to deal with gaslighting because gaslighting is all about misdirection and lies and manipulation.

The third thing you want to do is acknowledge and redirect. This means acknowledging their diversion briefly, then redirect it back to the main issue. The reason that this is important because they're diverting and that means that they might be gaslighting, but it also might be an issue that's important to them too. So by acknowledging it, you're showing that you understand their situation or their concern or their idea, which is going to make them be more relaxed about allowing you to redivert them. If you just talk over their issue or their attempt to redivert you, They're just going to put up a wall and cling to that argument even harder. Or they're going to continue trying to drive that point further away from your point. Politicians do this all the time. When they're asked a direct question during a debate, they don't answer the question, they just redirect to their talking points. So what you want to do here is, you want to acknowledge what they said, but then redirect them back.

For example if you're trying to get your boss to talk about your raise with you and they just keep redirecting by talking about your performance, you could say something like, hey, I appreciate your feedback on my performance. However, I'd like to return to our discussion about the pay raise. Again, when you do this, you're acknowledging what they said, but redirecting them back to the main topic you want to talk about.

Gaslighting Type #5 - Countering

The fifth type of gaslighting is called countering. Countering is when someone questions your memory or denies facts that you know to be true. It's all with the attempt to make you doubt yourself.

An example of this would be, let's say you recall discussing a specific task with your boss, but your boss insists that this discussion never happened or that they never explained this topic with you. Another example of this would be a colleague questioning your recollection of a meeting's decisions, despite you having detailed notes and a detailed record about what happened.

Here's why this is gaslighting. Countering creates self doubt and it undermines your confidence in your memory, which is what all forms of gaslighting do, right? Gaslighting is designed to make you question yourself and make you feel like you're the person who is not having a good memory or, for lack of a better way to put it, they want you to feel like you're the crazy person in this situation. That's why I asked you at the beginning of this episode, do you find yourself doubting your reality? Do you find yourself wondering if you're crazy? That's what happens when you're dealing with gaslighting people. Their whole point is to take the attention off of them and put it back onto you, doubting yourself.

When you're dealing with someone who's using the countering form of gaslighting on you, here's how you want to respond. First, refer to your records. Remember documentation. You want to use that documented evidence to support your memory of the events.

The second thing you want to do is you want to stay confident, right? Gaslighters feed on lack of confidence and low self esteem. So you want to assert your memory with confidence and clarity. So you want to say something like, hey, I clearly remember our discussion. I have it documented right here. Here are the notes I took during that meeting.

The third thing you want to do is ask clarifying questions. So you want to encourage the gaslighter to explain their version of the events in detail. Because in all likelihood, they're not going to have as good of detailed notes and records as you. I would challenge them by saying, Hey, can you explain what you recall about that meeting?

Gaslighting Type #6 - Forgetting

The sixth and last type of gaslighting we're going to talk about is forgetting or denial. This form of gaslighting is pretty self explanatory. Forgetting or denial, this is when a gaslighter actually pretends to forget events, or they actually deny them altogether.

So going back to the promotion salary discussion with your boss. If your boss is using this form of gaslighting, this means your boss is just going to just flat out deny ever discussing a promotion with you. Even though you have a detailed email exchange of it, or you have detailed meeting notes of discussing this with them, six months ago. They're just going to flat out say, no, I don't, we never talked about that. What do you mean?

Another form of this would be, let's say you agreed to a deadline with a colleague on your team, but the colleague claims to have forgotten the important deadline, even though you reminded them multiple times. Hey, I don't remember this deadline. We didn't talk about this. That would be forgetting or denial. The reason this is gaslighting is because this is an intentional tactic to make you doubt your experiences and make you question your reality.

When this happens, here's how you should respond. Again, broken record here. Keep comprehensive records. Document all important communications and agreements with this person in writing. You want to save all emails and save all written confirmations of important discussions with this person. Know where you can find them easily too.

Second you want to provide reminders. You want to politely remind them, that is remind the gaslighter, of the previous discussions and agreements you had with them. I always like to just say, hey, I'd like to remind you of X, Y, and Z, right? I'd like to remind you of our email exchange regarding the promotion discussions we had last fall. Just remind them of the facts.

The third thing you want to do is seek support. That means again, involving a third party or escalating the issue if gaslighter continues.

To recap everything we discussed, gaslighting can take many forms, including denial, withholding, trivializing, diverting, countering, and forgetting. Recognizing these types of gaslighting and understanding how to respond can help you protect yourself from this manipulative behavior, and it can help you maintain your mental health and professional integrity.

Now this is all great and helpful, but what if the gas lighter is your boss? And what if you can't afford to leave this job?

If you're looking for help in this area, you should check out my episode called How To Deal With A Toxic Boss Without Quitting. In this video, I give you three specific things that you can do to maintain your sanity and productivity in dealing with a challenging boss like this.

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