How to Set Boundaries with Difficult People in a Toxic Work Environment

Do you have a toxic coworker or maybe even a manager who is destroying your mental health?

Unfortunately, this is a growing problem because there's a growing amount of toxic work environments right now. toxic work environments are breeding ground for toxic people. If you work in one of these environments, knowing how to set clear boundaries is a critical skill. 

I'm going to teach you a simple five-step framework that you can use to create boundaries with anyone. 

What Does Setting Boundaries Mean?

Like I said before, you're gonna learn a simple five step framework for setting boundaries with people. I'm also going to walk you through a lot of real life examples for how to apply this framework.

But first. I just want to clarify what setting boundaries means and why it's so important. So the term setting boundaries gets thrown around a lot and it's because like I said, there's a lot of toxic work environments out there so this is becoming a buzz word idea of setting boundaries. Toxic work environments, breed, toxic behavior from people. So I want to clear up what setting boundaries means.

Setting boundaries with people means that you're defining the limits, the rules and the expectations regarding how other people can behave or interact with you. It's all about establishing your guidelines, that respect your needs, your personal space, your time, your emotion, your values, and then it's about you communicating your boundaries to others.

What I'm pointing out here is, it's not selfish, but it is about, you respecting yourself and what you need in making sure that you're communicating that clearly to other people. You're creating your boundaries.

Now here's why it's crucial for you to know how to set boundaries. First, you're making sure that you're protecting your mental health.

Nobody else is looking out for your mental health, but you, but when you work in a toxic work environment, it often involves behaviors like bullying or micromanaging, constant negativity, stress, and all of this can significantly impact your mental health. Establishing boundaries is basically the only way to safeguard your emotional wellbeing to maintain a sense of stability, amidst all this toxicity that you're working in.

It's also about preserving professional dignity too. By setting boundaries with difficult people, it preserves your professional dignity. It communicates that you're not going to tolerate disrespectful or inappropriate behavior. It helps you maintain a sense of respect and professionalism. Despite the toxic atmosphere that you're around.

One other part is, you're preventing yourself from burnout and you're preventing yourself from exploitation. I see this happen a lot where, people struggle with saying no. Or, they don't want to let people down. So they end up taking on more workload because they either don't want to say no, cause they don't wanna let people down or they just don't have the courage to stand up for themselves in a situation. Difficult people in toxic work environments are going to exploit your time, your energy and your skills. They're just going to keep dumping work on you. So by creating boundaries, you're going to prevent that exploitation. It's going to help prevent burnout too, by establishing limits on unreasonable demands that other people are setting on you.

Now another thing that people don't really think about as far as a benefit of setting boundaries, is it really helps you maintain your own focus and your own productivity. Working in a toxic environment is distracting. It really does hinder your focus and your productivity. We don't really think about it that way. But by setting boundaries that limit interruptions and limit excessive workload and limit negative interactions, you can create your own environment in your own space that allows you to focus on your tasks more effectively.

What you're doing is essentially you're creating your own space for self care. Toxic environments drain your emotional reserves. I'm not sure if you're familiar with that expression. But, it's like an energy vampire, an emotion vampire, it just sucks it all out of you. But setting boundaries enables you to carve out that space for your own self care, your own personal attention, your own personal wellbeing. This is crucial when you're in that type of environment, because quitting might not be an option. You need to pay the bills. You need a paycheck.

The last reason that setting boundaries is such a critical skill for you it's because it gives you a tool for preserving professional relationships. When you're able to set boundaries that helps delineate what's acceptable and what's not. That allows you to foster healthier relationships, even in toxic environments. By clearly stating what is, and isn't acceptable. It prevents that potential unhealthy relationship from escalating, or from getting worse. You can at least cut the bleeding or stop it before it spreads. In many cases, you can actually use it to create a path for mutual respect, with people that maybe you don't naturally get along with, maybe you don't see things eye to eye with them. But by setting boundaries, it's going to create that respect for you. That you're standing your ground on this versus them continuing to walk all over you.

Quick sidebar. If you want to learn a simple way to enhance your relationships with people. You should check out my episode called How to Quickly Build Relationships with Anyone. I included a link to that episode in the description.

Building on what we were saying here, when you know how to set boundaries, you can establish control and it establishes empowerment to. When you work in a toxic workplace, you're naturally going to feel powerless and helpless, but knowing how to set those boundaries empowers you to assert control over your interactions and over your circumstances versus feeling victim to your circumstances and your interactions. It's a way for you to take charge of what you will and won't tolerate.

I hear so many people, that say, I don't know how to handle this. That's what makes this so important? Because you can use this in any area of your life, not just work, it could be with difficult family members or friends or someone who's waiting behind you in line at the store. Learning how to set boundaries with difficult people is such a critical skill.

It also allows you to reduce stress and anxiety. Clear boundaries alleviates you from having that anxiety that's caused by toxic dynamics that just keep continuing and continuing. Knowing that you have defined a line that others can't cross provides you with that mental sense of relief and security and comfort.

The last thing I want to say here is by effectively setting boundaries. You can encourage a shift in your dynamic with that person. It's challenging, I'm not going to lie, but when you set boundaries with difficult people, it can prompt a change in their behavior.

They might not realize that they were coming off this way in some circumstances. They might not realize that they were having this impact on you. So this is a way for you to actually give them constructive feedback at the same time that encourages them to change their behavior. Maybe it encourages them to reassess their actions or maybe it encourages them to just reconsider your perspective on the matter. Either way, though, there is a good chance that you can actually create a more respectful approach from them to you in the long run.

5 Step Framework for Setting Boundaries with People

Now if you're watching this episode, I assume you at a minimum, want to learn how to set boundaries with difficult people, but you also probably already had an idea of the value of it, but I just wanted to make sure we're all on the same page before we go through this framework, because we're going to tie back to a lot of those things I just talked about.

But getting to the step-by-step framework.

Step 1 - Objectively Assess the Situation

Step one is assessing the situation, you want to take a step back, try to remove emotions from it, and just understand, what are the specific behaviors or the situations that contribute to the toxic environment.

We want to separate, the things that aren't really a big deal or things that don't matter, because what happens is when you're dealing with someone who's toxic, you start seeing everything they do in a negative light. In your head, you start piling on.

Let's just say they interrupt you all the time for argument's sake. Okay. They're interrupting you. That's the problem. It's not the fact that they show up to work late. It's not the fact that, they're always texting on their phone. Assuming that it has nothing to do with you.

You want to focus on the things that contribute to a toxic and work environment for you. What are the things that are impacting you? Let's limit the scope of this framework to what is the thing that they're doing that impacts you? So is it your boss, micro-managing you? Is it your coworker saying inappropriate things about you? Or saying inappropriate things to you about someone else? Or is it someone being overly aggressive to you? Or is it someone invading your personal space?

Let's focus on what is that thing. We want to identify which boundaries are being crossed and how they're impacting your mental health or productivity. So that's step one.

Step 2 - Plan to Establish Your Boundaries

Step two is we want to plan and establish boundaries. So now that we know what these things are from step one. Let's go to find your boundaries by considering the toxic behaviors you've identified. We want to determine what behaviors are unacceptable and what do you need to feel safe and respected in the workplace. I'm going to give you some examples of this after we walked through this five-step framework.

Step 3 - Effectively Communicate Clear Boundaries

Step three is taking action. We're going to communicate those boundaries effectively. What we would do is we're going to approach the individual and calmly and professionally communicate your boundaries. Here's where we're going to use I statements. Statements that express how their behavior affects you. Statements that express what specific changes you need from them.

So some examples of this would be, I don't like it when you say negative things to me about other coworkers and I would like you to stop. So we're saying, I I I. This is what I need from you. It's not about them. It's about what you need from them, which is not debatable. That's the key. When you talk about it in terms of I and what I need and how this makes me feel and the impact it's having on me. They can't debate that. It's not really questionable. They can't debate that their actions are making you feel bad. Are you with me? Another example of this would be saying. I am having trouble focusing on my work today and I need you to stop interrupting me.

So it's very simple. The impact it's having and what do you want them to do? You want to be direct and assertive while maintaining a respectful tone. Just like I was doing there. I am having trouble focusing on my work today and I need you to stop interrupting me. You don't want to say it passively. But you also don't want to say it too mean either. You want to just confidently and assertively. But be direct, don't over explain this concept like I'm doing right now in this YouTube episode.

It's not about making them feel bad. You're just objectively telling them what you need and why you need it. You wouldn't feel guilty or weird about telling someone that you needed to use the bathroom. You wouldn't feel guilty about telling someone that you needed to grab a drink of water because you're thirsty, right? This is no different. You're telling them what you need and why you need it.

Reframe it that way in your mind versus letting yourself stress over how is the other person going to take this? All you're doing is communicating what you need.

Now. If you're the type of person who doesn't feel comfortable confronting coworkers like this. You should check out my episode called Five Keys to Navigating Difficult Conversations at Work.

Step 4 - Consistently Reinforce Your Boundaries with Them

The fourth step in this framework is consistently reinforcing those boundaries. So you want to stay firm in upholding your boundaries. You say at one time, great but if they've been crossing these boundaries for awhile, it might take them a while to change their habits. Even if they have good intentions.

When I was a manager, I consider myself to be a pretty good person and care about my people. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable. When people give me constructive feedback about the impact I'm having on them, I usually take it real seriously, and it bothers me in a good way where I want to change. I don't want to have that impact on people. But even I, made this mistake back when I was a manager.

I had a direct report named Amanda and in her first week or two on the job, I heard some of the coworkers calling her Mandy. For some reason, this stuck with me and I just assumed that she preferred being called Mandy. So I started addressing her as Mandy. Hey Mandy, can we meet for a minute? Hey, Mandy, where we are with this project. I wasn't calling her Amanda. I was calling her Mandy and she didn't say anything to me about it. So I just assumed that I picked up on this name that she liked to be called and I didn't think twice of it.

This went on for weeks. She didn't correct me. Then one day she confronted me in the office and she set boundaries with me and basically just said, Hey, Doug, I need you to stop calling me, Mandy. I don't like being called at. I'd rather you call me Amanda. She just told me what she needed and why she needed it. That was it. Now I took that seriously. I know how important people's names are. It's part of your identity. I would never want to purposely call someone the wrong name. But because I was so used to calling her Mandy during my first few weeks of getting to know her, of course, I naturally slipped a few times, in passing and Hey Mandy, how's it going?

Reinforce Your Boundaries with People LIKE THIS

So my, my point is, you're going to have to reinforce that a few times and consistency is key. Especially in a toxic environment where boundaries might be tested. So be prepared to reinforce your limits repeatedly.

Now to do that, here's a simple tool you can use to effectively reinforce boundaries. It's really simple.

There's four parts of this statement. When you do blank. That would be the specific action or behavior that they're doing. Then you want to follow up with it makes me feel blank. That would be the impact that's having on you. Then you want to follow that with, because blank, this would be why it's having that impact on you.

Then if you want, this fourth part is optional. You could ask something like, is this true? This is asking them to acknowledge it and basically asking them to reflect on the things you've just said and either admit that they're disrespecting you. Or to apologize and tell you that they're going to change their behavior.

So if I was in Amanda's situation, I would have said something to me like this. Hey, Doug, when you call me Mandy, it makes me feel like you don't respect me because I specifically told you that I don't like to be called Mandy and that I want you to call me Amanda. So is this true? Do you not respect me?

That's a great way to objectively remind them. Hey, I asked you to do this and you're ignoring it. This is the impact it's having on me. Is this true? So we're going to come back to that framework in the examples I give you.

Step 5 - Seek Support When Needed

Moving on to step five, which is the last step on this framework. Seek support when needed. So ideally. I think you should always aim to work through these types of things directly with the other person. But if the toxic behavior keeps going on, you don't deserve that. So if you give it your best effort and that person isn't changing their ways, they're not respecting your boundaries. That's when it's time to go to HR or go to a trusted supervisor or your boss or a mentor. Leading up to that, you want to document the instances of boundary violations, basically start keeping a notebook or whatever method, you like for taking notes. But just document, okay on December 1st, doug called me Mandy again. I asked him not to.

That's a silly example for this, but did you get the idea? You just want to make a quick note of what they did and when they did it and then make a quick note of how it affected your work and your wellbeing.

Real Life Examples for Setting Boundaries

Now that you're familiar with this five step framework on how to set boundaries with difficult people, let's walk through a few real life examples that actually come up in the workplace so that you can see how to actually apply this. You can see how simple this really is to. Now it's going to feel intimidating at first, but I'll come back to that. Trust me that this is a lot easier than it feels as you're listening to me, explain this.

There's something different about this from. I can't quite put my finger on it. No, just kidding, I had to take a break to step away for something, but I didn't want to leave this episode hanging for too long. So I decided to just finish it but anyway, that's why it's completely dark in here.

Setting Boundaries with Your Micromanager Boss

So the first example I want to look at is let's just say that you're being micromanaged. The first step is assessing the situation, right? You want to identify the toxic behavior. So let's just say that the boss is constantly checking in on you. They're constantly asking for updates. They're giving you one direction and they're switching gears on you and telling you to do something else or they give you direction. Then five minutes later, they're asking for a followup. They're just, micro-managing you, they're helicoptering over you. They're not letting you do your job.

So what it really all boils down to is micromanaging and we want to stop that because it's causing you stress and you realize that this is affecting your autonomy and your work and you don't like it.

What we want to do is establish the boundary. So that's step two. So you are determining that you need autonomy in your work, and you're going to make the decision to address the issue by setting a boundary with the frequency of check-ins and updates with your boss. So I want to give a specific ask. In this case, we're going to ask him to limit the amount of check-ins. We're going to give him a specific request.

So step three would be communicating those boundaries. What we would do is schedule that meeting with your boss and then just politely explained something like this. Hey boss, I appreciate your guidance, but I work more effectively with a bit more autonomy and freedom in my role. So could we schedule check-ins twice a week instead of daily?

Now as you're hearing me say this, you might think this sounds a lot easier said than done. But trust me, when you push back on people like this, it really catches them off guard and they don't really know what to say or how to handle it in the moment, because they're not used to people setting boundaries with them like this. They're not used to people talking to them this way. You're not being aggressive. You're just clearly stating what you need and why you need it.

Now, let's say you have this discussion with your boss and they say, no. They're not going to say the word micromanage, but no, I need to know what's going on at all times, then redirect the discussion.

I'm telling you what I need. So how can we find a compromise here? Basically this gives you a starting point to that discussion that you can have with them.

Now let's just say they say yes and then they don't fall through with it. So they say sure, in that moment, yeah, we can have twice a week meetings and check-ins, and I won't, micromanage, I won't hover over you, but then all of a sudden, three days later they're doing it again.

That's when you want to use that little framework I said for reinforcing the boundaries, which is step four. So that's that little framework of when you do this, it makes me feel like that because of this. So you could say something like, hey, when you check in with me today, It makes me feel like you don't respect my boundaries because a few days ago we spoke and we talked about only having a twice a week check-in meeting on this project. Can you help me understand what the disconnect is? Can you help me understand what I'm missing?

That's a good way to just recall attention to it and bring this front of mind, but in the non confronting way, we're just stating facts. Hey, when you're checking in with me outside of our scheduled time, it's making me feel like you're not sticking to the commitment. It's not honoring the commitment we made because we talked about this specifically and we made that agreement that we were only going to do this twice a week. Can you help me understand where the disconnect is?

Use your own words but that framework of just really zeroing in on what they're doing, how it's making you feel, why it's making you feel that way and then ask them to comment on it. Don't just say it and be done with that.

Setting Boundaries with Coworker who Takes Credit for Your Work

The second example we're going to look at is let's just say that you have a coworker who's taking credit for your work, right? They take credit for your ideas and team meetings, and it really undermines your contributions to the team. You're not getting credit for the work you're doing. People don't realize the value you're bringing to the table.

So step one is assessing the situation like we just did. That's what's happening. Someone is taking credit for your work.

The second step is establishing those boundaries. So decide that you need recognition for your work, and you want to address this issue to protect your professional reputation. More importantly, you want to make sure your boss and your coworkers realize the value you're bringing to the table. So make that decision. All right, that's the boundary we want establish, you need recognition for your work.

So now step three, communicating those boundaries. During a one-on-one conversation with them, you could just say something like, Hey, I've noticed you've been taking credit for my ideas and my work in the last few meetings and it's happened a few times now. Now, I'm sure it's not intentional, but I'm not okay with this because it's important for me to receive credit for my work. So could you please stop doing that?

In some cases the person might not even realize they're doing it, or maybe they do realize they're doing it, but they don't realize that, you know, they're doing it. In this case, by calling attention to it, it's just going to embarrass them a little bit. It's going to make them realize that you're onto their game.

The main thing I want to point here is, it might feel overwhelming to say these things, but if you don't say these things and speak up for yourself, nobody else is going to. There's nobody else. That's seeing the situation from your perspective. So you have to be comfortable with saying this stuff.

Now that you've clearly stated your boundaries or your communicated, your boundaries with them, it's just about consistently reinforcing those boundaries if they're not following it. So let's just say you catch them taking credit for your work again, it's that simple formula. Pull them aside, talk to them in private and just say, Hey, I've noticed you took credit for my work in that last meeting we just had on Tuesday. Now when you do that, it makes me feel like you don't respect my boundaries because we specifically talked about you doing this to me a few weeks ago. You said you weren't going to do it again. So can you explain to me why you did it? Can you tell me why you did that there? What am I missing? What am I not understanding?

You see that framework's really simple, right? That reinforcing of boundaries. Now you don't need to do that step if they get the message the first time. But I just want to let you know that, this is a good go-to tool to have in your hip pocket because it really disarms the other person's emotions. You're telling them how their actions make you feel and you're tying it to how they're not respecting your boundaries. Using words like that is really powerful, especially today. People aren't idiots, they understand that they have to respect your boundaries, even if they're not doing it in the moment. When you start talking that way, people realize, Hey, this is pre HR talks. So I better watch how I'm behaving right now.

Setting Boundaries with Negative Gossip in a Toxic Work Environment

The third example I want to look at is let's just say, there's someone on your team who's always engaging in negative gossip and negative talk, and they're always complaining and they're just creating a toxic atmosphere around you. They're, they're bringing this stuff to you. They come to you to complain about coworkers or complain about work or complain about their boss or whatever. You just don't want to be around that.

So that's your assessment of the situation, right? You realize that. You don't want this gossip around you. You don't want this negativity because it's distracting and it's spreading that toxic work culture into your space. So that's the boundary we want to set. That's the assessment of the situation.

Step two is all right. Let's establish that boundary. So you're deciding that you need to limit your exposure to negative conversations because you want to maintain a positive work environment for yourself. So you don't want that negativity and that gossip to come into your world, into your realm. So that's the boundary we want to set.

So step three is communicating those boundaries. So let's just say that person is bringing up a gossip or a negative conversation to you right, just like they always do. They come into your workspace and start complaining about something. What you want to do in that situation, in that moment, when it's happening while it's fresh for them is just politely exclude excuse yourself from the conversation. When the conversation starts turning negative, just politely say something like, Hey, I prefer to not engage in gossip or a negative discussions cause I just find that's not good for me. I need to focus on more positive things and I need to focus on more productive conversations. So I'm going to step away, saying something like that.

Again as you're hearing me say that it probably sounds awkward and it sounds off. People won't know how to react when they hear you say that. So they're going to, it's going to force them to think about it and reflect on it and just consider. Wow. I didn't realize I was having that impact on this person. Now don't get me wrong. There are people that are just not nice people and they're not going to respect that boundary, but this is the step you have to take if you want to figure out if they are going to respect that boundary or not. Because if you don't speak up, they're not going to do it on their own.

Now once again. That simple formula. If you've said this to them, and then they come back to you and they continue bringing gossip your way. Again, hey when you come to me with gossip or when you come to me with complaints or you come to be about complaining about our boss or whatever they're doing. It makes me feel like you don't care about my boundaries because we talked about this. I told you I don't want to be involved in negative gossip conversations. Can you help me understand what the disconnect is or how can I make that more clear to you? Ask them a question, get them to speak up on it, get them to acknowledge that they didn't do what they said they were going to do.

Setting Boundaries with Someone Who Invades Your Personal Space

The fourth example. So let's just say there's a situation where someone on your team is violating your personal boundaries. As far as your physical space goes. They're invading your personal space or maybe they're making inappropriate comments to you, right? That's the situation. Okay. This person is invading your personal space. They're making inappropriate comments and you're not okay with it.

So step two is establishing that boundary, decide that you need to enforce personal space and that you need to maintain a professional environment. You can't be talking about inappropriate things. So that's step two. That's the boundary.

Step three is communicating those boundaries. So you want to address the behavior directly, but also diplomatically. And remember, it's important to be assertive and direct, we don't want to tip toe around it. So you just want to say something straight into the point. Hey, I prefer to keep a professional distance in the workplace or something like, Hey, this feels too close. I'm not comfortable with this. Can we maintain a respectful space while we're working together? Or, if it's inappropriate language, very similarly you can say, Hey, I prefer to keep a professional conversation topics in the workplace. I'm not comfortable with talking about these types of things. I'm not comfortable with talking about these things that feels inappropriate. So can we stick to work topics when we're talking together?

Now, just like before. If they don't respect that boundary and they're breaking it, just come back to, hey, when you do this, it makes me feel like that this is why. Is this true? I think you get the idea of how this works, so I'm not going to repeat this example every time, but just a few more examples here, just to make sure this is all making sense.

Let's say you're in a situation where people keep dumping work on you, or maybe it's a specific person that's just consistently dumping their work on you. Or maybe they're sending over incomplete work or just throwing it over the fence. It's just causing you to have an overload of responsibilities.

Back when I was a manager, I had a direct report that would do this to people all the time. He basically would just rush through his work and then leave for the day and throw it over the fence and leave the next guy to deal with it. Then that person, because they took pride in their work, they would always just roll up their sleeves and find a way to get it done because they didn't want to miss the deadline. They didn't want the company to look bad.

Now. I don't really talk too much about how to handle direct reports in this episode, because this is more general advice about setting boundaries no matter whether it's a peer or your boss or a friend, anyone. But if you're looking for insights on how to handle difficult direct reports, you should check out my episode called How to Deal With a Difficult Employee As a New Manager.

Getting back to this situation where someone's dumping work on you. Step two is we want to establish boundaries. So determine for yourself that you need to set limits on taking on extra tasks that are beyond your capacity. You need to recognize that this is too much. I can't let this person dump work on me.

So the next step is communicating those boundaries. So let's just say if these tasks are coming from your boss. You want to express these workload concerns, diplomatically. You want to do that no matter who you're talking to, or you want to be diplomatic and direct and assertive. But let's just say it's coming from your boss. Someone that's not a peer. You just want to say, hey, I've noticed an increase in my work tasks lately. I've been getting a lot more tasks, but I want to make sure that I'm completing my responsibilities effectively so can we take a look at my workload and just to make sure that I'm not getting overloaded?

You're bringing up the issue just to bring it to his attention that, Hey, I wanna make sure I'm doing a good job. I feel like I'm not going to be able to do a good job if I keep getting all these additional tasks thrown on me. So that's how you can handle it. If it's your boss.

If it's appear like on a team, if someone just is dumping their work on you, and there's not really a clear chain of command of who should be deciding where this work goes, then you handle that with them very similarly. You just say, Hey, I feel like a lot of the workload keeps falling on my lap. So can we take a look at how we can balance out the workload between the two of us?

The goal here is to set your boundary and also bring attention to the situation because in many cases, a lot of times the other person isn't aware of what they're doing to you or the impact they're having on you. I'm not giving other people permission here. I'm not creating excuses for other people, but I would say a decent amount of the time sometimes just calling attention to it by itself is enough to get the person to change their behavior. But again, if you have this conversation with them and they don't follow it, follow up with that reinforcement formula.

Setting Boundaries to Get Out of Time Wasting Meetings

The last example I want to give you. So let's just say you recognize that you're in a ton of team meetings that are running excessively long and you don't need to be in these meetings. These meetings keep encroaching upon your personal time and effecting your work-life balance because you're not getting the things done during the day that you need to get done. So now you have to get them done at night because these meetings eat up all your time. This is a common one that everyone can relate to.

So step two is establishing those boundaries, decide that you need to advocate for more efficient meeting management. You need to advocate for people to respect personal time when they're scheduling these meetings. So whoever these people are that are driving these meetings. You're making that decision that you need to advocate for this because nobody else is doing it.

Step three is communicating those boundaries. So what you can do is you can either approach the person that holds these meetings, or when there's discussions about these meetings that come up and you have an opportunity to organically bring this up. What you should do is bringing it up as a suggested improvement and bring it up politely. Say something like, hey, I find our meetings really productive, but sometimes they tend to run long. Could we aim to have a more focused agenda and stick to a schedule duration just to make sure we respect everyone's time.

Or, the reason for these meetings not being efficient for you can be a number of different reasons. So just some other examples could be, let's just say you don't feel like you need to be at these meetings. You could just honestly say, hey, I'm definitely all for contributing and helping and pitching in wherever you guys need my help but the last few meetings I've been at, I didn't really feel like I brought any value to the table. So could we shift this where maybe I'm not invited to the meeting, unless you guys have a specific topic that needs my attention?

Now, with all these situations, I gave you that framework for following up and reinforcing the boundaries. When you do this, it makes me feel this way because of this, is that true? You get them to talk to it. I didn't really talk about that HR step, but for each one, if you're reinforcing the boundaries and they're still crossing those boundaries, you have to pick your battles, something like meetings, you're probably not going to go to HR. You just have to keep reinforcing those boundaries and keep chipping away. But if it's something like someone invading your personal space, if it's someone, saying inappropriate things or someone talking negatively, then yeah you start documenting it and you should start documenting it the first time you set boundaries of that person.

Write that down. Hey, on this date, I told this person, this, here's how they reacted. They said they would oblige or they gave me attitude about it. Here's how I tried reinforcing those boundaries at this person, document all these dates and specific situations. Then, if this person isn't changing and this persists for longer than you're willing to tolerate. Then you bring that discussion up with HR. You bring it up in a way that shows that, you feel like your boundaries are being, crossed, people are not respecting your personal space. Whatever it is, make sure you're explaining it to HR the same way you're explaining it to that person. You're being direct and assertive. You're explaining, what you need from the other person and why you need it, what's that impact having on you just keep it focused on that because HR will have to listen to you when you bring it up that way, when you explain the impact it's having on you.

As a quick recap, the five step process is assess the situation. Then plan and establish boundaries that you want to keep for yourself. Then step three is communicate those boundaries effectively. Step four is consistently reinforce boundaries and step five is seek support whenever needed and that means going to your boss or to HR.

Now that last step seeking support can be a little tricky, especially if your boss is the person you're trying to set boundaries with. So if this is the case, you should check out my episode called How to Deal With a Toxic Boss Without Quitting.

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