How to Control Your Emotions at Work | Self Management for Leaders

Unchecked emotions are a leader's worst enemy because they can lead to rash decisions, damaged relationships, and missed opportunities.

Learning how to control your emotions improves your patience and helps you stay in control during stressful and confrontational moments like delivering constructive feedback, negotiating, or making good decisions under pressure.

In this video, I'm going to teach you a very simple tool that you can use to take control over your emotions and be intentional with your actions in any situation. But first, I want to introduce myself for first time viewers out there.

I'm Doug Howard, and I help leaders unlock their full potential through soft skills development. On this channel, we explore leadership through the lens of emotional intelligence, influence, and the human side of management. If you're ready to build stronger teams and elevate your impact, hit that subscribe button.

The Importance of Emotional Control for Leaders

As we dive in here, I want you to think of your emotions as a powerful engine. It can propel you forward with passion and motivation. However, without a steering wheel, that engine can veer off in any direction out of control, and it can lead to disastrous consequences for you.

As a leader, managing your emotions is crucial because it allows you to think clearly. When emotions run high, logic goes out the window. But when you take control of your emotions, it ensures that you make sound decisions based on reason and not reaction.

It also allows you to communicate effectively. Emotional outbursts cloud your communication. You start communicating unclear without realizing it. Leaders who manage their emotions can communicate clearly and build trust.

Lastly, it empowers you to inspire and motivate. Leaders who project calmness and composure under pressure inspire confidence throughout their team, and they create a positive environment where people feel comfortable taking risks and it empowers them to reach their full potential.

Before I teach you the framework for how you can take control over your emotions, I want to know what situations trigger strong emotional reactions for you at work. Leave a comment below.

Understanding How Emotions Trigger Your Thoughts and Actions

Let's delve into a powerful tool that helps us understand and manage our emotions. It's called the STEAR framework. That's S T E A R.

The S stands for situation. This is the trigger or the event that sparks an emotional response from you. The T stands for thought. This is your initial interpretation of the situation. This is the thoughts that come in your mind immediately after you experience that situation. The E stands for emotion. This is your emotional response based on your initial thought. A stands for action. This is the behavior you take based on your emotion. The R is the result. This is the outcome of the behavior you have or the action that you took.

What I want to do here is just point out that this is a chain of effect. This is a specific order. So it starts with that situation. That's something that you don't control. It just happens to you or you notice this thing happen. Then there's an initial thought that's triggered, right? So those are the two parts of this that you can't control. You can't control the situation that happens and you can't control the initial thought that comes to mind.

Then from there, it is a domino effect. That initial thought is going to lead to that emotion. That emotion is going to lead to you taking an action or it might lead to inaction in some cases, which is still not good. Then that action is going to lead to a result and the result is going to be a negative consequence if you let your emotions do the talking for you.

Examples of How Emotions Impair Your Judgement and Behavior

To explain how this works, I want to walk you through a few real life examples of how this chain reaction works.

Example 1

In the first example, let's say the situation is that someone on your team misses a critical deadline. This is a direct report of yours. That situation is going to spark an initial thought. It might be something like, this person is incompetent. Or it might be something like this person's mistake is going to reflect poorly on me as the manager. This is going to spark thoughts of frustration and anger towards that person and towards the situation.

Now, those thoughts are going to lead to the emotion. You're probably going to get angry and you're probably going to be internally provoking yourself to go confront that team member publicly and that's not going to be good. It's going to create a hostile environment.

The action that you take from that might be you micromanaging this person because you can't trust them and you don't want to put your head on the chopping block, trusting them to not screw up again, but this is going to lead to a damaged trust between you and that person. This is definitely going to hinder that person's professional development if you're micromanaging them.

The result that's created by that is that this team member feels discouraged and they feel demotivated and it's going to potentially affect their overall performance, not just on this project, but on future projects, because they're going to have that lingering in the back of their mind forever.

Before I move on to the other examples, I just want to point out that this all started with a situation. The situation was that the team member missed a critical deadline that sparked a thought, which sparked an emotion, which sparked an action, which sparked a result that led to your team member feeling discouraged, demotivated, and potentially, hurting their professional development and their performance on future projects.

It all started from this one thing and then there was a chain of events that led to that result. I want you to think about that relationship as I go through these next few examples.

Example 2

In the second example, let's say the situation is that a client of yours isn't satisfied with your project deliverable. Maybe it's them being unfair. Maybe you guys agreed on a certain scope up front and then they changed it without telling you. Or maybe you did a poor job, you missed part of the scope and it wasn't their fault at all. It was yours. Either way, it doesn't matter.

The client is upset with you in this situation because they feel like you didn't meet the project deliverable. That's going to spark a thought. The thought is probably going to be something like, oh no, this client is unhappy with our work, and we're probably going to lose their business.

These thoughts are going to be coming from a place of fear and anxiety, and that's going to lead to an emotional reaction. You're probably going to become defensive. You're probably going to shut down communication with that client.

That's gonna lead to the action, instead of tackling the issue head on, you're probably going to avoid further interaction with them, and that's obviously going to hinder the opportunity for you to rectify the situation with them.

That's going to lead to a negative result, which is the client feeling unheard and the client might take their business elsewhere because of it.

So again, it all started with the customer being unsatisfied with you and that sparked a thought, emotion, action, and result. The result was that the client feels like they weren't heard, they're not happy with your business, and all of a sudden they're not your client anymore. You're not doing business with them.

Example 3

In the third example, the situation is that upper management imposes a budget cut on your team's project midway through the project.

That's probably going to spark a thought like, Hey man, this is impossible. , we're not going to be able to deliver this. We designed this project scope with this budget in mind. There's no way we can, cut this budget in half. That's going to spark thoughts of frustration and discouragement, and that's going to lead to an emotion.

The emotion would be you becoming demotivated, feeling like what's the point? Why try? We have this fool's errand mission to accomplish that is impossible. Why bother putting any effort into it? It's probably going to spark some negativity onto your team, too. Your team is going to recognize that you're demotivated by it. That's going to spread and project throughout your team.

That's going to lead to an action. You probably are going to disengage from the project. You're probably going to give the bare minimum and this is going to lead to a lack of effort on your part and your team's part that's going to prevent you guys from having creative solutions.

The result is going to be that the project suffers. Whether it's from lack of direction from you or just simply the budget, you didn't have it in the budget to deliver. Either way, the project is going to suffer and you're going to potentially miss the deadlines and exceed the remaining budget.

Example 4

The last example I want to give you is a situation where a peer within your company proposes a solution that you disagree with.

That's going to spark an initial thought like, this person doesn't know what they're talking about. They're clearly clueless about this. I have to shut this down. This is a terrible idea.

This is going to spark thoughts that are related to contempt and anger towards this person and it's going to lead to an emotion. The emotion will be you becoming argumentative. Inside your head, you're going to be dismissing your colleagues ideas, even the good ones. You're going to loop it all together as, this guy's incompetent, and you're not going to listen to any of their ideas because you disagreed with the main idea that they brought together.

That's going to lead to an action. You might start pushing your own solution aggressively down their throat and you're going to start clinging to your ideas and closing your ears to anything else they have to say. So obviously this is going to hinder collaboration.

The result from that is not going to be good. The team is going to miss out on potentially better solutions because you're clinging to your ideas and you're not listening to the other person's ideas. Obviously this is going to foster a hostile work environment too if you guys are butting heads like this in front of other people.

Intentionally Taking Control Over Your Thoughts and Emotions

The key to managing your emotions lies not in suppressing your emotions but interrupting the STEAR chain at the thought stage. Our initial thoughts are often automatic and they're often fueled by past experiences or past biases. But here's how you can take charge.

First, recognize your emotional triggers. Think about what situations typically set you off. Think about what people typically set you off. Be mindful of your body language and identify physical signs in yourself that your emotions are rising. This could be things like a rapid heartbeat or feeling tension in certain muscles in your body. Or maybe you notice yourself getting distracted. Those signs and symptoms are going to be different for everyone. But you should pay attention, what are the physiological symptoms that come up whenever you're feeling your emotions take over?

Next, you want to get into the habit of challenging your initial thoughts. We all make the mistake of just accepting the first thought that pops into our head and then clinging to it. But don't accept that first thought. Instead, ask yourself, is this thought helpful? Is this thought based on all the facts? Or am I basing this thought on emotions? Could there be another explanation for this?

Third, you want to learn how to reframe your thinking. For example, in the scenario where your direct report missed a deadline, instead of assuming incompetence in that person, consider alternative explanations for your direct report's missed deadline.

Maybe they encountered an unforeseen challenge. In that case, you should go have an honest conversation with them to understand what happened. Then you have to be intentional about shifting your perspective focus on the positive. When someone makes a mistake like this, instead of dwelling on the negative, recognize that this is a learning opportunity for both of you.

With all of this in mind, let's take a look at how you can use the steer framework to take control at the thought stage. We can do this by revisiting each of the four examples I gave you a few minutes ago.

Revisiting Example 1 Using the STEAR Framework

In example one, the situation was where a direct report on your team missed a critical deadline. Instead challenge that thought with something like this, there must be a reason for this delay. How can I support this person to help them get back on track? This way, you're coming from a place of concern and you're coming from a place of empathy and wanting to understand. That's going to spark a different emotional reaction.

So instead, you're probably going to have an emotional reaction where you feel a sense of responsibility to help that team member succeed. You're going to feel concerned. You're going to feel supportive. You're going to feel some ownership too. You're going to feel like, how can I help them? How can I, what can I do to change the situation for the better? Obviously that's going to spark a better action from you.

Instead of getting into an argument with them or calling them out in front of other people and humiliating them, you're going to take a more positive action, like scheduling a private meeting with them to discuss the situation openly and collaboratively. With this approach, you're going to be coming from a problem solving mode. You're going to be coming from a supportive mode.

Obviously this will have a better result. Your direct report is going to feel supported, and because of it, they're going to be more likely to be honest about the challenges they're facing in the future, instead of being too embarrassed to admit they made a mistake or being afraid of making mistakes. When you have this type of clear and open communication and trust with them, you can actually work together on developing a plan to mitigate the impact of the missed deadline.

You can also work together to ensure that this doesn't happen again. With the initial approach that you had where you jumped into that thought where this person was incompetent, you can't get to that point.

I want you to see how you can take control of challenging your thought and how that leads to a whole different emotional reaction, action, and result

Revisiting Example 2 Using the STEAM Framework

Now let's take a look at the other examples. In the second example I gave you earlier, it was where a client expressed that they were unhappy with your project deliverables.

The initial thought you had was, Oh no, this client is going to leave. This client is going to be unhappy. They're going to take their business elsewhere. Instead challenge that thought, fight that paranoia and that anxiety, and come at it with a more open mind and a more curious mindset. Instead of thinking negative thoughts, try challenging yourself to think about something like this is valuable feedback from this customer. Obviously, we're not aligned on expectations. So how can we improve on the current situation to meet their expectations?

Because you're coming at this with a curious mindset, it's going to spark a different emotional reaction. You're going to approach the client with a collaborative mindset, and you're going to feel calm instead of anxious, and you're going to feel professional instead of avoidant. You're going to take a different action.

You're probably going to schedule a meeting to discuss the concerns and explore possible solutions with them. Again, you're coming from that problem solving state of mind, and you're being proactive instead of avoidant.

The result from that is going to be that the client feels valued and they're going to be more likely to work with you again in the future. They're probably going to be more understanding of whatever the pitfalls were of this project. Whatever their problems were that they weren't happy with your project. They're probably going to be more understanding about it because you took the time to show that you wanted to understand where they were coming from.

This all starts by changing that thought. If you accept that first thought, it goes down a negative path. But if you challenge that thought and you remain in control, you can take it down a positive path. These are just examples, but these can go a million different ways. It's just cutting that emotional reaction off at the thought stage of the steer framework.

Revisiting Example 3 Using the STEAM Framework

The third example was a situation where upper management imposed a budget cut on your project. The initial thought was, I can't do this. This is impossible. Is upper management nuts? But challenge that thought.

You can do that like this. You can recognize that obviously this presents a challenge, but how can we adapt and deliver a high quality project under the new reduced budget? Now you're coming from a place of being resourceful and determined, instead of feeling like there's nothing I can do here, so I'll just give up.

By having this resourceful and determined mindset, it's going to spark a different emotion. You're going to feel motivated to find creative solutions. You're going to be focused on finding those solutions as well, and you're going to feel optimistic versus pessimistic.

That's going to lead to a different action. Let's say you brainstorm cost cutting strategies with your team, and you explore a whole bunch of different alternative approaches. This is going to lead to some innovation. This is going to lead to some collaboration. It's going to lead to a different result. Your team is going to collectively find a creative solution that delivers within the new budget. Or you're going to give it your best shot and if you can't, you're going to come as close as you can. But you're definitely going to get closer to it than you would have had you just given up because you felt this is impossible.

Revisiting Example 4 Using the STEAR Framework

Now let's take a look at the fourth example I gave you. This was the situation where a colleague on your team, who was a peer of yours, they proposed a solution that you didn't agree with.

The initial thought was, this person's out of their mind. This person's incompetent. How can this person have such a dumb idea? You were coming from a place of contempt towards that person, and anger, and feeling like they're your enemy.

But you want to challenge that thought. Just because they have a different perspective than you doesn't mean they're wrong or right or better or worse than you, whatever your ideas are or whatever your thoughts are. We want to challenge that thought and not let your emotions take over.

So you could challenge that thought with something like this. That's an interesting perspective. Wonder what the advantages are of their approach? Then start really, critically thinking about their idea and what are the positives to it. Or what are the advantages of it? Again, this is coming from a place of open mindedness, and this is coming from a place of you being interested in that other person's idea, versus self interested in your own idea.

This is going to lead to a different emotion. You're going to approach the discussion with a desire to actually understand their perspective, instead of clinging to your idea. You're going to approach them respectfully and with curiosity.

That's going to lead to a better action that's more neutral and open minded. So you're going to have a constructive conversation with that person to explore both solutions, your idea and theirs. You're potentially going to work together to find a hybrid approach that takes the best of your ideas and the best of their ideas.

Again, this is coming from collaboration and problem solving. I hope you're seeing a theme here. We want to get these actions leading to a place of collaborative and problem solving. That result is going to be, it's going to be positive too. The team is going to benefit from getting a broader range of ideas, and it's going to potentially lead to a more effective solution for everyone.

Mastering the STEER framework requires practice, but the rewards are undeniable. So make sure to practice reframing your thoughts in everyday situations. Doing this consistently builds the mental muscle you need to respond calmly and constructively under pressure.

Remember, leaders with high EQ are not emotionless robots. They're in tune with their emotions, but they don't let their emotions control them. By taking control of your thoughts, you control your emotions, and ultimately you take control of your leadership impact.

If you want to learn how you can take this further, check out my episode called How to Set Boundaries with Difficult People.

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