The Most Important Skill for Persuading and Influencing People - [Part 2 of 3]
When it comes to convincing people to do something, do you feel like you're constantly explaining things that should be common sense?
If so, then it means that you're missing the one skill that's required for influencing people and persuading them. But don't worry, I'm gonna explain what that skill is and how to use it so that you can convince anyone to do anything.
Stay tuned.
Welcome, and if you're new to the channel, you might be wondering who I am.
I'm Doug Howard. I'm a licensed structural engineer and engineering manager. I started this YouTube channel to show engineers how to develop all the non-engineering skills that you need to drive your career forward.
I release new episodes every week, so hit that subscribe button if you don't want to miss out on any tools, tips, insights, or techniques that can put your career on an accelerated path.
Today, I'm gonna explain the number one skill you need when it comes to influencing people, why this skill might not come natural to you, and I'm also gonna teach you ways to develop this skill.
Speaking Different Languages
Before we get too far, I wanna point out that the episode you're watching right now is actually part two of a three part series on persuasion. I'll be making a bunch of references to material that was already covered in episode one. So if you want to go back and watch episode one, just click for “How To Influence Without Authority At Work”.
In the last episode, I shared a story from early in my engineering career where I was stuck at a standstill on a project that was due, and I was stuck because I couldn't get the information I needed from the project salesman. Essentially I had to influence somebody I didn't have authority over just to do my job. In my story, my first attempts at getting the sales team to get me answers failed. It failed because I was presenting the request to them in terms of my own personal interests, and I was only explaining the impact it was having on me. I was saying things like, “this is putting a lot of pressure on me” and “I'm going to fall behind” and saying it like this really got me nowhere because I wasn't the salesman's top concern.
And why should I be? I'm just a random coworker. In the grand scheme of this salesman's priorities in life such as, doing his own job, paying his own bills and supporting his family, I probably ranked pretty low. That doesn't mean that he didn't care or that he is a bad person, or that he was intentionally trying to put pressure on me.
It's human nature to prioritize your own needs and your own concerns ahead of someone else's. It's human nature to think about things from your own perspective, without considering the perspective of other people. When you know how to view the situation from another person's perspective and how to understand where they're coming from, you can reframe your message in a way that resonates with the other person and it can actually influence their behavior. I did this with the salesman by reframing my request in a way that mattered to him.
I knew his salary was based on commission from the projects he sold, and I also knew that he didn't receive the commission check until the project was completely finished. Once I explained how I needed these answers ASAP, in order to keep the project on time, he had a whole new sense of motivation. Now, he actually wanted to get me answers, but I couldn't have done this without considering his point of view, which is why empathy is the number one skill you need if you want to be able to influence people and win them to your way of thinking. This is a problem for many engineers because empathy isn't a skill that comes natural to most engineers.
Logical People
It's because of how our brains are wired. To oversimplify it, all people can be divided into two categories. This is in regards to how you absorb information, evaluate information, and how you use it to make a decision. Any type of decision, from choosing what you're gonna say during a conversation, to major life decisions such as purchasing a home.
All people are either logical or emotional. Most engineers are logical, while most people are emotional. Logical people place a high value on logic and justice and fairness when they're making decisions. They naturally see flaws and imperfections, and they tend to be critical, and they're really good at taking a step back and applying impersonal analysis to problem solving.
When it comes to rules, they see one standard for everyone to abide and follow. They value being truthful over tactful. They believe feelings are valid, but only if the feelings are logical.
They're motivated by a desire for achievement and accomplishment. They're also very task oriented.
Emotional People
On the other hand, there's emotional people who are the polar opposite, placing a high value on empathy and harmony. They naturally see the exceptions to the rule.
Some other characteristics of emotional people are that they enjoy pleasing others, and they show appreciation pretty easily. They value being tactful over being truthful. They believe feelings are valid, even if the feelings don't make sense. They're motivated by a desire to be appreciated and they're very people oriented instead of task oriented.
Before I continue, do you have any questions so far? If you do let me know in the comments.
Most Important Skill
If you're a logical engineer, empathy probably doesn't come naturally to you. It's important for you to realize this because having weak empathy skills, in other words, not being able to take other people's perspective into consider. This is the biggest and most common roadblock that prevents you from influencing other people.
Being highly logical also creates a huge blind spot because you're more likely to be dismissive of other people's emotions, completely disregarding emotions from consideration.
You're probably gonna view these emotions as irrational and illogical, but your view and your way of thinking actually puts you in the minority. Because about two thirds of people are emotional.
If you're a logical engineer, you're at a natural disadvantage when it comes to relating to other people and empathizing with other people and influencing other people. This doesn't mean that you're incapable of building empathy skills or influencing people after all, these are both skills that can be learned and developed.
If you want more background information on this, watch my episode called, “Why Engineers Struggle With Soft Skills”.
Balanced Perspective
As an engineer, you're naturally going to assume that using logic is the right way to approach decision making. That emotions aren't valid or aren't important, but I want to clear something up.
Neither type is more or less intelligent than the other. There's a lot of value in both perspectives when evaluating decisions. In fact, a balanced perspective is ideal when you're evaluating complex decisions and being able to do this pays dividends in every area of your life.
For the purpose of this episode, I'm strictly gonna focus on why empathizing with other people matters when it comes to influencing other people.
Simply put, order to get what you want from someone, you need to know who you're dealing with. What they want? What do they value? What do they consider important?
The only way to get someone to do something, is by understanding what motivates them and getting them to want to do it.
It does mean that you have to be more outcome driven and intentional with how you go about influencing people.
For example, let's say you have to make an argument to prevent a student from getting expelled from college. The student is accused of violating the school's drug use policy, and in this story, let's say this would be a first time offense for an otherwise role model student who gets straight A's.
If you're a logical person, you'd most likely take a very black and white approach to this. Building your argument around facts, evidence, rules, what happened, what is known. You'd focus on proving the student's innocence, and if you couldn't prove it, you'd probably search for loopholes in the school's policies, or, past examples of students not getting expelled for similar offenses. One thing is for sure, there's no doubt that you would build an airtight case with fact-based evidence to support every point you want to make, and a logical counter argument for every possible scenario you can anticipate.
If the decision maker shares your views and your way of thinking, you're gonna crush it. You're gonna convince them pretty easily. But there's a 65% chance that the decision maker doesn't share your views because over two thirds of people are emotional, over logical.
If the decision maker doesn't share your views or if they happen to be more of an emotional person, then all that beautiful logic you put together is wasted on deaf ears and it gets you nowhere. In fact, it actually hurts you because in order to convince the decision maker, you need to know what they value.
An emotional person is going to be more interested in things like, what is the situation in this student's home life? How will getting expelled affect the rest of this student's life? Will he get into another school? Could being expelled spark a downward spiral that leads this student into something worse than drugs? This person's also gonna be interested in how this decision impacts other students and the school's future reputation. If you ignore these considerations, you're gonna come off as callous, robotic cold, which all but kills your chance at influencing the decision maker. How you make an argument makes all the difference in winning someone to your way of thinking.
You can make the same argument in many different ways. Now, all of this is good information to know, but it doesn't do you any good if you're unable to empathize with people, which is why I'm gonna use the rest of this episode to give you five ways to practice and develop this critical skill.
Exercise 1
the First exercise is called Expose your Biases.
Biases and preconceived notions interfere with your ability to listen and empathize. It changes the way you interpret other people's behavior and actions. For example, if you think someone is an idiot, then you're most likely not going to take them seriously even when they offer valuable advice or bring a good idea to the table. If you want to uncover your biases, the first step is consciously looking for them. Start by paying attention to your internal emotions and your attitude whenever you're engaging with people. If you notice yourself being negative or skeptical, or if you notice yourself being challenging or dismissive towards another person, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, why do I feel this way towards this person?
Is it because of something I know? Is it because of something that happened? Or is it because of something I assumed? If it's based on an assumption, then you've just uncovered a bias, which means you should challenge yourself to look at the person or the situation with a fresh set of eyes.
I have a lot of great material and exercises for uncovering your biases. If you'd like me to cover that topic more in depth in future videos, let me know by tapping that LIKE button.
Exercise 2
The second exercise is called Go Outside Of Your Comfort Zone.
The best way to relate and understand people is by broadening your perspective through new experiences.
That means going outside of your comfort zone and doing things you wouldn't typically do. You do this so that you can learn things you wouldn't typically learn.
Learning a new skill, like a musical instrument or a foreign language, or you could pick up a new hobby like gardening or photography, or it could be as simple as you reading a book that you would never read.
Doing things like this humbles you, and humility is a key for developing empathy. These aren't the only benefits of going outside of your comfort zone. In fact, going outside of your comfort zone is one of the best things you can do for your personal growth.
If you wanna learn more about this concept, check out my two-part episode on going outside of your comfort zone. You can check them out HERE & HERE.
Exercise 3
The third exercise is called Change Your Environment.
Traveling to new places and engaging with new people helps broaden your perspective and it helps you gain a better appreciation for other people.
A simple way to do this is by grabbing lunch with a coworker that you barely know or attending an event you wouldn't normally go to. A more elaborate way of doing this is by traveling to another country.
Exercise 4
The fourth exercise you can do is called Be Curious.
The easiest way to empathize with someone is by being genuinely curious about them, and you can do it by asking yourself this simple question, every time you're around someone. Ask yourself, what can I learn from this person? Realize that every person in the world knows at least one thing you don't, and make it your goal to find out how much you can learn from the person you're engaging with.
The best way to do this is by asking good questions, and if you're looking for inspiration on what types of questions to ask. I give plenty of examples in my episode called “How To Quickly Build Strong Relationships With Anyone”.
Exercise 5
The fifth and final exercise is called Seek Feedback.
Proactively ask your friends, family, and coworkers for feedback on your relationship skills, such as communication and listening. Then check back with them periodically to see how you're doing or to see if you're improving in those areas.
When you ask for this feedback, try not to get defensive even if you disagree with their feedback, because the purpose of this exercise is to practice empathy so that you can gain other people's perspectives and take them into consideration and be more effective when you're trying to influence people and win them to your way of thinking.
Just focus on listening as well as showing them that you are listening, and also show them that you appreciate their feedback.
Now that you have some exercises that you can use to begin practicing and developing your empathy skills, make sure you check out the third and final episode of this three-part series on persuasion, “Influence Anybody to Do Anything in 5 Steps”, because I'm gonna give you a simple five-step formula that you could use to influence anyone on anything.
Thanks for watching.
