How to Turn Disagreements Into Productive Conversations | Leadership Strategies

We've all been there before. Stuck in the middle of a disagreement that feels like a never ending tug of war.

Both sides are completely convinced that they're right. No one's budging and things get tense really fast.

But what if I told you that there's a better way to take control of the conversation, find common ground, and guide the discussion towards a productive solution. Whether it's at work, with friends, or even in politics, there's a simple framework you can use to turn anything around. any disagreement into a collaborative conversation.

In today's episode, I'm going to walk you through this framework step by step using real world examples to show you how you can take control of disagreements and achieve better outcomes.

Hey everybody and welcome back to the channel. I'm Doug Howard and if you're new here, I help managers and leaders develop the skills to handle tough conversations, build stronger teams, and create a more collaborative workplace. If that sounds something like you might be interested in, then be sure to hit the subscribe button and turn on the notifications so you never miss an episode.

Today, we're tackling one of the most challenging aspects of leaderships, and that's handling disagreements. Disagreements are inevitable, especially when you're a leader, but they don't have to be unproductive or confrontational. In fact, when disagreements are handled correctly, they can lead to stronger relationships and better solutions.

I'm going to show you a proven framework for managing disagreements by focusing on finding common ground, reframing the conversation, followed by using subtle persuasion techniques to guide the discussion in a positive direction. Then I'm going to show you examples for how to apply this framework and a few common personal and professional scenarios.

Why Everyone Loses with Disagreements

Let's start by taking a look at why most disagreements fail. The truth is, Most of us treat disagreements like a boxing match. We start by throwing a few verbal haymakers, hoping to knock the other person out with our logic, our passion, or just the sheer force of our argument. But think about it, how often does getting hit in the face with a haymaker make you actually want to agree with the other person that hit you? Pretty much never, right? And if you swing and miss, you're leaving yourself wide open for a counterpunch.

The biggest mistake people make is trying to win the disagreement instead of trying to connect. Both sides dig in, defenses go up, and the conversation quickly becomes a battle of egos. But here's the thing. Disagreements aren't battles. They're opportunities to align, collaborate, and move forward together. That starts with finding common ground. With this in mind Let's take a look at the framework for taking control of disagreements.

Step 1 - Start By Listening Without Judgment

The first step to taking control of a disagreement is very simple. Listen without judgment. This means giving the other person the space to fully express their perspective without interrupting, without challenging, or without immediately offering your own views or opinions either. The goal is to understand their concerns and priorities, which will help you find a path forward. So you have to be patient.

Now let's take a look at how this could apply in a situation. Let's say you're leading a team meeting and a team member strongly disagrees with your proposed approach to solving a problem. They argue that your plan won't work based on past experiences. Here's how you could apply it. You want to start by asking an open ended question to invite them to share more. So you could say something like, can you help me understand why you think this approach might not work? After you do this, Let them explain their reasoning fully. Resist the urge to jump in with counterarguments or the urge to interrupt, even if you feel strongly about your plan.

Instead, paraphrase what they say back to them to show that you've listened. So you could say something like, I hear what you're saying. You're saying that we've tried something similar before and it didn't yield the results we wanted because of X, Y, and Z. Is that right? By replying this way, this demonstrates that you value their input and that you're genuinely interested in understanding their point of view.

Here's why this technique works. Listening without judgment reduces defensiveness and lowers the emotional temperature of the conversation on both sides. That means you and them. When people feel heard, they're more likely to reciprocate by being open to your perspective as well. This is called mirroring and matching.

When you listen closely to what they say, it's also going to provide you with valuable insights that can shape how you move the discussion forward. Now to make sure you're doing this effectively, you want to make sure you're asking open ended questions. And you want to encourage detailed responses with prompts like, Can you elaborate on that? Or what concerns you the most about this approach?

After you ask that open ended question, make sure you practice active listening. Show that you're engaged by nodding, making eye contact and paraphrasing key points back to them. For example, you could say something like, it sounds like your main concern is that this approach could delay the project timeline. Is that right?

Again, when you're listening, make sure to avoid premature reactions, hold back from immediately defending your position or offering solutions. This keeps the focus on understanding their perspective and that's really important here.

Then, like I said before, you want to follow up with acknowledging their emotions. If they're frustrated, if they're upset, you want to acknowledge it. You could say something like, I can see that this is a source of frustration for you, so let's unpack it together. You don't want to dismiss their feelings or their emotions because to that person, their feelings and their emotions right now are the most important thing and it's what's driving them to push back. So instead of fighting that and getting, playing tug of war, instead of throwing that haymaker, you want to show them that you understand their perspective, which is going to help us segue into step two

Step 2 - Search For Common Ground

After you get through step one, that is, once you've truly understood their perspective, the next step is to search for common ground. This is where you move from just listening into aligning. Finding a shared goal, a shared value, or a shared concern becomes the foundation for reframing the conversation and moving it forward.

For example, let's say you're working with a colleague on a challenging project and you disagree on the best way to allocate resources. They want to focus heavily on one aspect of the project while you believe resources should be spread across multiple areas. After listening to their concerns, you want to identify a goal that you both share.

You could say something like this, it sounds like we both want this project to succeed and we both want to make the biggest possible impact, right? By highlighting this mutual goal, which is making the project successful, by highlighting that, you establish a sense of alignment. Even if your approaches differ, emphasizing this common ground up front helps reduce tension and shifts the focus to collaboration instead of combating each other. Searching for common ground works, because it reminds both parties involved that you're on the same team and that you're working towards the same overall objective. Last but not least, it deescalates the disagreement by focusing on shared values instead of conflicting opinions.

Here's a few extra tips on how to do this step effectively. Remember the whole goal here is to find shared goals. This is what we're going to build the rest of this framework on. When you're asking them open ended questions in the first step, make sure you're listening closely to their answers and looking for areas where both of your objectives overlap. Some common things to look for are things like improving efficiency or achieving success or maintaining fairness. Those are the most common ones you can jump on. So when you hear that, listen closely, make a mental note of that and then come back to that and call it out.

Like I said before, you want to make sure you acknowledge their concerns. Saying things like, I understand why that's important to you goes a long way in building trust and shows that you're both on the same team. Something I didn't cover on yet, but that I want to make sure you take this away from this video is you want to make sure you're using inclusive language. You want to use words like we, and us, instead of words like I, or you, or me. Using inclusive words like we, and us, and together, that's going to create a sense of unity. You want to say things like, how can we solve this together?

Last but not least avoid trigger words. So stay away from phrases that imply blame or conflict, such as. You're wrong, or this isn't working. Instead, you want to use neutral language to keep the discussion constructive.

Step 3 - Reframe the Conversation Around Shared Values

Once you've identified common ground, the next step is to reframe the conversation. This means emphasizing the shared goal or value and connecting it to the idea or the solution you'd like them to consider. Reframing shifts the focus from conflict to collaboration, making it easier to move forward.

Let's say your team disagrees on how to allocate time for a new project. Some of the people on the team want to dedicate all resources to it. While other people on the team worry that it's going to detract from ongoing work. As the manager, you want to reframe the conversation by highlighting a shared goal. So you could say something like this. It looks like we all agree that this project is critical to our success and that we need to balance it with our current responsibilities, right? Then after you say that connect the shared value to a possible solution by saying something like this. What if we set up a phased approach that allows us to dedicate resources to this project while also maintaining momentum on our ongoing work? That way we're addressing both priorities without compromising either.

This approach emphasizes collaboration and positions your solution as a way to achieve the shared goal. The reason this approach works is because by reframing this it builds momentum by focusing on what both sides agree on, not what divides you. It also shows that you're committed to working together towards a solution, which increases buy in and reduces resistance.

Here's a few more tips on how to reframe the conversation. Whenever possible and practical, use we statements. You want to highlight collaboration by saying things like, we both want to see this succeed. How can we make this work for everyone? Again, it's that inclusive teamwork type language.

You want to bridge to the solution as well. So you want to use connecting phrases like since we agree on X or because we both care about Y, you want to show that, using that inclusive language, but then also connecting the bridge, because we both agree on X, Y, and Z. Let's look at this, right? That's your bridge to the thing you want them to consider.

You also want to make sure you're keeping the tone positive. You want to frame your ideas as opportunities, not as challenges. So you could say something like, What if we looked at this as a chance to test a new approach out?

Last but not least, you want to acknowledge the process by recognizing their contributions to the discussion. So when they say stuff or after the discussion's over, you want to make sure you say something like, Hey, I appreciate your input. This is helping us find a balanced solution and, this is helping us find the best solution. You want to acknowledge that versus gloss over it.

Step 4 - Use Subtle Nudges Before Making Your Big Point

Okay now that we've reframed the conversation, great. We got them lined up exactly where we want them, but instead of jumping straight to your main argument, you want to guide the conversation with subtle nudges. Think of this like foreplay, these are small steps that move the discussion in your direction without overwhelming the other person. Remember, we don't want to throw haymakers. Once they're more aligned with your perspective, you can confidently make your big point.

For example, let's say you're trying to convince your team to adopt a new software tool, but they are being resistant they think it'll be too difficult to implement. What you want to do here is you want to start with a small suggestion, instead of going for the moonshot right away. So you could say something like this. What if we tested the software with just one department to see how it works in a controlled environment?

Now after you say that, and once they agree to that, then you can nudge them further. Hey, after we do this, let's take a look at the test results and then decide whether it's worth scaling up to the entire team. Does that sound fair? Now, by the time they see the value of this tool in action, after it's been implemented in this controlled environment for a few weeks, they're going to be more receptive to adopting it across the organization.

Subtle nudges like this reduce resistance by making the steps towards agreement feel manageable, and they don't feel so overwhelming or aggressive. They also make the other person not feel like they're giving in or conceding. They're just giving a little room and testing this out and it's completely redactable. If this doesn't work, we can always go back. That's like a safety thing that they have in the back of their mind. This approach prevents the other person from feeling concerned or cornered and it allows them to adjust their stance gradually, making your final argument more impactful.

A few more tips on how to use subtle nudges. You want to start small so whatever your big ask is or your big pitch or your big idea, before you go into this setting with this person you want to take a step back and figure out how can you break down your proposal into bite sized steps. And then present it by a question. What if we just explore this option for now? You want to make it sound temporary. You don't want to go for the moonshot and saying what if we did a wholesale change to all of our operations? You want to start with some small, what if we just explored this option for now? What if we tested it out? What if we did a free trial on this new software tool?

Once you get them to go along with that little gentle nudge, or minimum viable ask as I like to call it, then you want to build momentum. So you want to use their agreement on the smaller points to advance towards your larger points. Once you get that alignment, you want to say something like, hey, since we're aligned on this part, let's take a look at what the next step looks like.

As you're giving them these gentle nudges, pay close attention to their reactions. You want to watch for signs of hesitation or agreement, and then adjust accordingly. If they hesitate, you can backtrack slightly. You can call attention to their hesitancy too. You could say, hey, I sent some hesitation here. Would you mind just sharing what's got you feeling hesitant about this or what's bothering you about this? See if you can get them to open up. Then after they do, you could say, hey, would it help if we reviewed some examples first? You want to find ways to make them feel more comfortable with this again, gradual, right? Don't go for that haymaker. We want gentle nudges here.

Now, eventually as you keep making a bunch of gentle nudges, then you want to gradually get up to presenting the big point confidently. Once they're more receptive to the gentle nudges, then it's time to deliver your main argument clearly and assertively. You want to just say flat out, Hey, now that we've addressed these concerns, I believe this is the right solution for us. What do you guys think?

Applying the Framework to Real Life Scenarios

Let's break down how to apply this framework in both workplace and personal settings. These examples will show you how to listen, find common ground, reframe, and nudge the conversation towards resolution.

Scenario #1 - Workplace Disagreement on Prioritizing Tasks

The first scenario I want to look at is a workplace disagreement on how to prioritize tasks. Let's say you and a colleague disagree about which project should take priority. They believe Task A should come first while you think Task B is more critical for the team's success. Step one is listen without judgment. So you want to start by asking your colleague to explain their perspective. Use an open ended question like, can you help me understand why you think Task A should take top priority? After you ask that question, listen carefully to their reasoning. They might highlight dependencies or deadlines you hadn't considered.

Step two, find common ground. Once you understand their perspective, look for a shared goal. For example, you could say something like, It looks like we both want to make sure the team delivers high quality results and meets our deadlines, right?

Then move on to step three, which is reframing the conversation. So you want to use that shared goal to reframe the disagreement. You could say something like this, hey, since we both care about delivering on time. What if we tackle Task B first because it's a blocker for the other projects? Then we shift focus to Task A immediately after.

Next you want to move on to step 4 which is using subtle nudges. If they're hesitant, suggest a small step forward. You can say something like what if we test this approach for the next two months and then we reassess. If it's not working, we can adjust from there. Doing this builds momentum and makes it easier for them to agree.

Scenario #2 - Team Conflict Over Resource Allocation

The second scenario I want to look at is a team conflict over how you're allocating resources. Let's say two members on your team are arguing over how to allocate a limited budget. Each person believes that their project deserves the larger share.

Step one, listen without judgment. As the manager, you need to facilitate the discussion by giving each person the chance to share their perspective. So you could open this discussion by saying something like this. All right, guys, let's take turns explaining why each project is important and what the expected outcomes are. Now, when you do that. Make sure you listen actively and ensure that both sides feel heard.

Step two is find common ground. So as you're listening closely, look for that shared common goal from them between the both of them that is then emphasize that mutual goal.

So for example, let's say the shared goal that you uncovered when you were listening to their responses is that they both want to maximize the company's ROI. You could say something like, hey, it sounds like we all want to make sure that the budget is used in the most impactful way possible, right?

Then move on to step three, which is reframe the conversation. You can do this by proposing a collaborative solution based on the shared goal. So you could say something like this. What if we allocated a smaller initial budget to both projects and then tracked the early results? We can reassess after the first phase to decide where additional funding will make the biggest impact from there.

From there, you want to move on to step four, which is using subtle nudges. So you want to break the solution down into smaller steps and you could say something like this. Let's agree on the criteria we'll use to evaluate success in the first phase. That way we're aligned when it comes time to reassess. Now when you take a step back, that's a real simple ask. You're just asking to agree on the criteria you're going to use to measure success. Then you can gradually build up from there.

Scenario #3 - Personal Conflict Over Household Responsibilities

The third and final scenario I want to look at is in your personal life. So let's just say you have a personal conflict over household responsibilities with your partner. So let's say you and your partner disagree about dividing household chores. They feel like they're doing more than their fair share and you feel overwhelmed with your own responsibilities.

Step one. Listen without judgment. You want to do this by asking for their perspective and genuinely caring about their perspective. So you could say something like, hey, can you share what's been most frustrating for you about the current arrangement with our chores? Then when they answer, let them vent without defending yourself and without explaining your side just yet.

As you're listening, move on to step two, which is find common ground. So as you're listening to their frustrations and letting them vent and welcoming them to vent, identify a shared goal hearing that they want a happier, more balanced home life. Then call attention to that by saying it, hey, I see that we both want to feel supportive and we both want to have a home that runs smoothly, right?

After you've established that, move on to step three, which is reframing the conversation. So you can propose a new approach based on that shared goal. You can do that by saying something like this. Since we both want to feel less stressed, what if we made a list of tasks and divided them based on what's easiest for each of us to handle?

After you do that, move on to step four, which is using subtle nudges. Start with small adjustments to test the new system out. You can say, hey, why don't we try this out for a week and see how it feels? And if it's not working, we can make changes together.

I hope you're seeing how you can use this step by step framework for taking control of disagreements in your personal life, as well as your professional life. It starts with listening without judgment, then searching for common ground, then reframing the conversation, followed by using subtle nudges to guide the conversation, instead of making the mistake that everyone makes, which is throwing haymakers, and then expecting that to win the argument.

But I want you to remember this. Disagreements aren't about winning. They're about connecting and collaborating. Here's the thing. Handling disagreements isn't just about resolving conflict. To truly lead effectively you also need to know how to manage relationships with people above you. That means your boss, senior leadership, and other decision makers throughout your company. That's why I encourage you to check out my next episode called How To Manage Upward And Influence Thought Authority. In that video, I'm going to share practical strategies for gaining support, building trust and influencing decisions, even when you don't have formal authority. I'll see you in the next video.

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