How to Motivate and Persuade Without Pushing | Effective Leadership Techniques

Have you ever tried to persuade someone to take action only to feel like you're hitting a wall?

Whether it's a colleague or a direct report, your boss, or even your spouse, motivating other people without coming off as pushy can be one of the biggest challenges for a leader.

But what if I told you there's a better way to inspire and persuade that doesn't involve pressure or manipulation?

In today's episode, I'm going to show you how to motivate and persuade effectively using techniques that focus on understanding, asking the right questions, and building genuine connections.

Hey everybody and welcome back to the channel. If you're new here, I'm Doug Howard and I help managers and leaders develop the skills that you need to lead with confidence, influence effectively and create high performing teams. If you're looking for practical tips to become a better leader and a better communicator, be sure to hit that subscribe button and turn on notifications so that you don't miss any of my future episodes.

In today's episode, we're diving into the art of motivating and persuading others without being pushy. We're going to explore some of the key ideas from Daniel Pink's book called To Sell Is Human, and we're going to focus on how to influence people in a way that's genuine, collaborative, and effective. If you've ever struggled with getting buy in from your team, or convincing someone to see things your way, this video is perfect for you.

Common Mistakes in Persuasion

Now let's start by talking about where many leaders and managers go wrong when it comes to trying to persuade other people.

The most common thing they do wrong is they try to use pressure tactics, such as pushing hard for a decision or trying to sell someone on an idea without really listening to their concerns. They might dominate the conversation. They might talk over the other person, or they might ignore the emotional side of the discussion. This happens because many people believe that persuasion means convincing someone to see things your way, and they think that the best way to do that is to be assertive and direct and state their opinions. Unfortunately, this approach can backfire quickly, because it creates resistance, it shuts down communication, and it makes the other person dig in their heels deeper into whatever their position is.

When you push too hard, it often triggers a defensive reaction. People don't feel heard, and as a result, they're less likely to be open to your ideas. Instead of motivating them to take action, you end up pushing them away. That's why we need to shift our mindset from convincing to collaborating.

So that's the problem. Now let's talk about the solution. We're going to take a look at how to motivate and persuade without pushing and I'm going to break this down into a simple framework for you.

Step 1 - Ask the Right Questions

The first step in this framework is asking the right questions. One of the most powerful tools in your persuasion toolkit is asking the right questions and so many people don't do this.

Instead of telling someone what to do, you should be guiding them to the conclusion by asking open minded questions. Questions like, what's your biggest concern about this? Or how do you see us moving forward on this project? Questions like this invite the other person to share their thoughts and to become part of the solution versus you just imposing what you want them to do onto them.

Asking these questions also does two more things. First, it shows that you're genuinely interested in their perspective and second, it encourages them to think through the problem for themselves versus just following your orders. When you do it this way, it creates a sense of ownership in them over this decision, and that's going to make them more likely to follow through on it versus it not being a high priority for them.

Now, a few more tips on how to do this effectively. You want to make sure you're using open ended questions that can't be answered with a simple yes or no. You want to make sure you avoid leading questions that push them towards a specific answer. Last but not least, make sure you listen carefully to their responses and follow up with more questions to dig deeper.

I like to ask what and how questions. What do you think about that? What problems do you think we'll find? How come we haven't considered this before? Good questions like that.

One more tip on this. Be careful with asking why questions. Why didn't you do that? Or why didn't you think of that? That might put people on defence. So when you ask those follow up questions, try to begin them with the word what or how.

Step 2 - Use Empathy and Active Listening

Empathy is the key to effective persuasion. If you're a subscriber to this channel, you know that empathy is one of the main things I talk about when it comes from influence, delivering constructive feedback, and everything that is critical to being a good leader and a good manager.

But before you try to motivate someone, you need to take the time to understand their point of view. The best way to do that is by practicing active listening and by reflecting back what they're saying to you and by saying it back to them. So what you're saying is this, or what I'm hearing you say is this, or if I'm understanding you correctly, X, Y, and Z. Saying things like this validates their concerns and it acknowledges their emotions, which is really important to effectively show that you have empathy for the other person.

So again, you might say something like, it sounds like you're worried about how this change will impact the team. I understand why that's a concern. Saying these types of statements creates a safe space for them to share honestly.

Here's another thing for you to understand why this works. Empathy builds trust. It's the key to trust and you can't build trust without empathy and trust is the foundation of influence. These are all interrelated with each other.

So many times we skip over that first step of empathy, and skip over that step of making the other person feel appreciated. We just go right into presenting our argument in a logical way. But here's the problem with that. People aren't sold on your logic. Maybe they coincidentally agree with you but unless they already agreed with you beforehand they're not going to be moved by your logic and your reasoning. So you need to take the time to slow the communication down and understand their perspective and where they're coming from and what's important to them. Otherwise, you're never going to influence them.

On the other hand, when people do feel heard and when they do feel understood, they're going to be more likely to be open to your perspective. It's also going to help them shift the conversation from a me versus you mindset, to a we're in this together approach. That's a big difference.

A few additional tips on this step. You want to make sure you're making eye contact and using body language that shows you're engaged. I recommend mirroring and matching. If they're leaning in, lean in a little bit. If they're leaning back a little bit, lean back. If they are having their arms crossed, cross your arms. You want to mirror and match their body language because that's going to help them make, feel more comfortable with the conversation. That's another way of showing empathy.

Another tip on this is repeat phrases that they said or paraphrase what they said to confirm that you understand. So for example, you know if I'm hearing you correctly you're frustrated about this. That gives them a chance to confirm that you understand them correctly or it gives them a chance to clarify if you misunderstood.

Last but not least, you want to make sure you're validating their feelings, even if you don't agree with them. So if you disagree with their opinion, you still got to make sure that you're acknowledging that. Okay, I understand where you're coming from. You think that this would be a bad investment for our team. Okay, I hear you on that. Don't just gloss over it. Don't dismiss it. You got to show them that you understand that.

Step 3 - Focus on Benefits, Not Features

Whenever you're trying to persuade someone, focus on the benefits, not just the features. This means explaining how your idea or solution will make things better for them, not just what your idea does or what it accomplishes.

For example, instead of saying, this software is going to track our sales. You could say something like this software will save us hours each week and it will make us easier to follow up with potential clients.

You need to connect the dots between what you're proposing and how it will improve their situation. That's because people are more motivated by how a decision impacts them personally versus the details, the technical details of what the decision does or means. By framing your proposal in terms of benefits, you make it more relatable and compelling to them. You're pre answering the question that they're always going to be asking themselves, which is, what's in this for me?

Some additional tips on this step. Use stories and examples that illustrate the benefits. So if you're making a business decision to invest in some type of program, share some stories about how that program has helped other companies that are similar to you or helped other people that work in this person's role. You want to make it relatable. You want to be specific about how your solution will address their pain points and the things that matter to them. Last but not least, avoid overwhelming them with too many details. Keep it focused on the value to them.

Step 4 - Use the Power of Small Wins

Break big changes down into smaller, more manageable steps. So instead of asking someone to commit to a major change all at once, ask them to take a small step forward. This could be something like, hey, let's try out this new process for a week and see how it goes versus, hey, let's make a wholesale change to all of our operations.

Doing small wins like this builds momentum and it makes it easier for them to commit to bigger changes over time. Small wins also help build confidence and reduce the fear of failure. They give people a sense of progress without feeling overwhelmed. Each small step forward makes the next one easier and before they know it, they've made a significant change without feeling pressured.

This is a technique I call starting with the minimum viable ask. Figure out the thing that's easiest for them to say yes to. Or the thing that is easiest for them to feel comfortable with or low pressure to, and start there. So instead of starting with the moonshot, start with a bunt. Start with just something that's simple and easy that they really can't say no to because it's risk free and then build onto that.

So again, just using that software purchase example, if your master plan is to influence them to get on board with changing to a new software that's going to require a wholesale change for your operations. Well start with the free trial. Hey let's start with a free trial. Let's play around with it. Let's see how it works, right? That's harmless.

Then you want to move up from that minimum viable ask. Hey let's take a project that we've completed already and let's run that project through this software in the demo environment. Nothing will get broken. Let's just see how it works and see what holes they have. Start with that minimum viable ask, and then keep working your way up instead of making the mistake that most people make, which is starting with the moon shot.

A few more tips on this step. You want to set clear, achievable goals for each step. So if you're breaking this down into miniature milestones, make sure there's clear, achievable goals for each of those milestones. Next, you want to make sure you celebrate progress, no matter how small it is. Last but not least, you want to make sure you're using positive reinforcement to encourage continued effort on their part.

Step 5 - Use Collaboration, Not Control

The most effective persuasion happens when it feels like a collaboration, not a command. That means you want to make sure you're involving the other person in the decision making process and make it clear that you're working together to find the best solution. The key word there is working together versus you telling them what the best solution is.

Now to do this effectively, you want to make sure that you're using language like we instead of language like you and you want to ask for their input throughout the conversation. Again, you want to make this a two way conversation as well. Doing this shows that you value their perspective and that you're open to adjusting your approach based on their feedback, which is going to go a long way with them.

Here's why this works. Collaboration creates buy in from them, because it gives people a sense of ownership over the outcome. They're more likely to be motivated to act when they've had a hand in shaping the solution. It also turns persuasion into a dialogue, rather than a monologue, which leads to more productive conversations.

A few more tips on this. Use phrases like let's explore this together. Or what would you suggest? You want to use inclusive phrases like let's explore this together or you want to use phrases that put it on them, hey, what do you think? What are your ideas? What do you suggest?

Next, you want to make sure you're acknowledging their contributions to the final decision. Last but not least, be open to compromise. If they bring up an idea that isn't fully what you had in mind, that means you got to be flexible about it because that's what collaboration is. It's not a one way street. It's a two way street.

Just to quickly recap everything we just ran through, you want to make sure that you're asking the right questions, practicing empathy, focusing on the benefits, celebrating the small wins, and always aiming for collaboration over control. These techniques are going to help you build trust, inspire action, and create a more positive and productive work environment.

But here's the thing. Persuasion isn't just about motivating your direct reports. It's also about knowing how to influence people in all directions within your organization. That's why I encourage you to check out my next episode called How to Influence Upward, Downward, and Cross functionally at Work.

In that video, I share practical strategies for influencing colleagues, team members, and even your boss, no matter what position level you're at in the company. I'll see you in the next video.

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